TW Cancer. Can’t stop crying today, even though it’s been 4 years

Sorry if it’s the wrong flair. I don’t really understand grief, I was 14 when my friend Kathy passed from cancer. She beat its ass twice but she got it a third time. But of course didn’t know any of that until the funeral because I was 14 so no one told me anything.

I still remember when my mum called me. I was in too much shock to cry, I stayed silent for a minute then just said “She’s what?” Hoping I’d misheard. I never let myself cry because I didn’t feel like I was ‘allowed’ to, I hadn’t seen her for over a year due to COVID so I felt like I wasn’t close enough to her anymore to be allowed to cry.

After the funeral I felt like i couldn’t cry anymore because the funeral is the time where everyone cries. So really for the first 2 years i never cried about it, then I started to miss her greatly and cry a bit late at night when no one could see.

Fast forward to recently and any mention of cancer is triggering, my granny also had cancer though she had it cut out and it was all good. My nana has cancer and she can’t get it removed because she’s in her 90s and so cancer is so triggering. Im currently inpatient for my mental health and I was in a therapy group and one of the group leaders was talking about a book, the book was about two people who met in hospital- one of them being someone who had cancer and I just had to leave because I got so upset and nearly started crying right there.

I talked to a nurse and im not at risk of harming myself or anything, I just can’t stop crying, Ive never felt this much grief in my entire life

Kathy was so much older than me but always treated me as an equal which is something I wasn’t used to. I’ll never forget that. Im turning 18 soon and she won’t be there to see it, it was also her birthday end of November so I think that’s why im so sensitive but it just hurts so much. I had to force myself to eat lunch and I could only stomach a few grapes and then i went back to my room and Ive been crying again for the past two hours