Wife 55F jealous of my 64M relationship with my daughter 37F

Wife and I have been married for 15 years. Together 20 years. I have a step daughter from a previous marriage and she has a daughter 5F. Daughter and baby daddy no longer together and he is not really in the child's life much. Wife has no kids of her own.

When wife and I were dating, the jealousy thing was there but not as severe as it is today. But we had our share of arguments over her snarky remarks over how much time I spent doing things with my daughter (hiking, biking, camping, etc). And how much money I spent helping her (at that time we were only dating so it truly was *MY* money). Comments like, "not like she's your REAL daughter" and "she's your ex's problem, not yours". (I raised this child from when she was 3yo until my wife left me when daughter was 16yo. Her bio dad took off so I'm the only dad she has ever known)

That problem was solved when my daughter met the man who would eventually become her baby's daddy. He was an abusive POS and she was in love and refused to see it. Like many abusers, he worked hard to isolate her from family to increase his control over her. Not just me, but my ex wife, her cousins she used to be close with, everybody. I tried for a while to keep in contact with her but eventually, he won out and I went over 10 years with no contact with her.

Much to my (now) wife's delight. He solved her problem for her.

Thank god, 2 years ago, my daughter finally found the courage to separate herself from this man once he had begun to also threaten their child. That is when she reached out to me, told me for the first time that I had a granddaughter, apologized and said she wanted to resume our relationship if I was willing to forgive her. I didn't need to think twice. Like any good father I was willing to move forward past the mistakes of her youth.

Now - all those same problems I had back then with "then girlfriend" are resurfacing again with "now wife" - only 100 times WORSE.

Daughter now lives about 2 hours away. Wife is rude to my daughter every time the daughter comes to visit. To the point of ignoring her (like coming home from work and there are multiple friends over visiting, saying "HI" by name to everyone in the room. Intentionally overlooking daughter. When daughter tries to engage her in smalltalk, she is met with short one-two word generic responses. She has told me she's uncomfortable coming to visit so I go to see her more often than she comes here. And we chat every night on the computer (but not all night - anywhere from just a few minutes to maybe an hour). Which is ANOTHER problem. Whatever work I do on the computer at night is always accused of being "all you ever do is chat with your daughter" (even as I type this).

The worst treatment is saved for me. Constant fights over time spent with my daughter/granddaughter. Accusations that our relationship is not "healthy" (no there has never been any accusations of a sexual nature, merely that it is not a "healthy father daughter relationship" - whatever that means to her). I have ONE picture of my daughter, ONE of my granddaughter in my bedroom. She calls it my "shrine". I also have a digital frame with various pics on it. She has counted and calculated the ratio of "daughter/granddaughter pics to other family member pics" and come up with a ratio of 8:1 (in my defense - I *SEE* my daughter about 8 times more per year than I see my other family members so naturally take more pics of them)

I do have 2 other adult children from another woman. Growing up, I saw them only summers/every other holidays. One now lives nearby and we speak occasionally and do spend holidays together. The other lives out of state and rarely speaks to me. But I do admit to be closer to the daughter in question here than my other children. And wife does not show signs of jealousy toward other children. I suspect were I closer, there would be problems there as well.

Here's the final problem: I love my wife. And she claims to love me. But our relationship deteriorated to basically roommates long before my daughter re-entered my life. We are really really good roommates and I'm cool with that. But I'm not sure I want to keep fighting with my "roommate" over my relationship with my daughter.

If we divorce, I will be sad and lonely. I'm too old to start dating again and really have zero interest in this. But this jealousy thing is really starting to build into actual resentment toward her. I don't want it to build to the point of me just walking out the door, but nothing I've tried has been able to tame that green eyed monster.

I'm at my wit's end. She refused counseling. I've been solving it by reducing my visits to see my daughter and granddaughter and that helps.....UNTIL the next time I visit. Anything short of "how it was before she came back in the picture" seems unacceptable to her.

Any advice from the world on how best to resolve this problem?