I'm tired but it's okay

(Sorry, this is simply here to let some thoughts out. If you don't want to hear some pretty depressing comments, scroll down till you see a triple whitespaced paragraph. You need to listen.)

For some backround, almost 2 years ago I made a post about getting suicidal cause of some girl and other problems abt family and academics. My brother and this one other redditer got me to see the world as it really was and got me seeing things from a different perspective. I realize now that many people see things vastly different than I or other people do.

I've been trying to do better. I have gotten someone new whom I truly believe is the one. She always somehow looks so beautiful and pretty it makes me want to tear up every time I get to look at her in our photos or in person. We basically never have arguments and we understand our flaws and we build upon them. And I've gotten a friend who I have always regarded as my second brother. Him and her, though I'm not so religious, have been my biggest blessings that I could have ever asked any god for.

Though, a few days ago was the first time in a long time I have ever really felt hopeless and alone. I don't want to sound like a tired empath but I've genuinely reached my limit during school. I was overwhelmed and, even through the deafening noise of the classroom, I was basically bawling in my seat right beside her. Yet, with so much of my dear friends beside me, no one even wanted to try and help. All they always do when I get my mood swings is a good "Are you okay?" or a "Why you so down?" almost like I have to give a reason to be comforted.

I try you know? I try to help people even those I'm not close with. Even when they try to push me away, as it usually happens, I know deep down that all they need someone to be with so I give my attention. I only speak when I have to, and I show them that I care. It's not much, but I've learned that presence and care is a lot for people, even when sometimes they don't understand it. And I don't really have that. When I'm down, even touching my breaking point, usually they play it off like its nothing serious. sometimes they'd ignore me. sometimes they talk to other people like i dont exist right beside them and they start laughing. and sometimes, i doubt that they even love me at all. alot of the times, it feels like im wanted, but not loved nor cared. and it hurts, it really does. yet they say that its cause they don't know how to comfort me when im like that yet every single fucking time i open up i always say ive only needed attention and care.

they all say they care, yet they cant be bothered to show it cause they "freeze" or they dont know how to show it. and honestly, the last thing i want is to have them pressured and make it a chore to cheer me up. so i dont complain, ever. i have never, ever complained. every single time i cry in class or i cry in general, i dont even make a sound. i always just sit there, face unseen and simply letting it out to myself. i understand that it's my emotions, and i shouldnt blame anyone for not knowing or simply not even wanting to help me, so i help myself. of course, i tell them, i do. I tell them that im hurt and i say why and what i need yet so far ive gotten none of that. i havent gotten a helpful conversation WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK/START IT. i always have to be the one to look for something to talk about, and im always the one to say to myself that it's okay when it should be them assuring me.

yet somehow i feel no hatred. ive never hated anyone, ive only hated their actions. people are human so am i. so ive learned to forgive myself even when i make an absolutely horrible decision, i always do. it makes it easier to forgive people. i still love my two most important people, even if they dont understand me. ill never get mad or hold a grudge. i forgive that one girl that almost gotten me to end it all, even if she's gotten worse over the years. i forgive my parents for sometimes treating me indifferent, sometimes like im not their child. and i learn to love life, and everyone around me.

if you are reading this right now, life is always worth living till your last breath. i think the best life lesson to learn is that things always find a way to subside. things will always, always, always find a way to be okay. even just for a moment. and once you learn to savour that taste of life, the okay moments, everything suddenly is beautiful. your parents, even if they aren't present or if they don't treat you well, you can always find a spark of life inside them. even the worst of the worst, people are people and they always have a little sprinkle of beauty. REMEMBER THIS: It is okay to be alone. Even when you don't want to be.

yes im tired, yes sometimes i just want it all to just stop. but i learn to cherish every single fucking moment of every single chance i get to breath the air and say "i love life". i learned to turn the boring moments into moments of pure bliss and fun. and i think what im trying to say is that the next time you ever feel sad and theres no one to help you, every single time you try to reach out just to be shut down; every bad, tiring, overwhelming, overstimulating, painful, scary, heartbreaking, grieving, mourning, and moments of suffering:

I hope you learn to love life, everyone and especially yourself. Life is a gift, and I'll happily spend it with my brothers, and my beautiful and loving girlfriend. Instead of saying that you want to end it all, always say you want a better life (and you better fucking make it better, i believe in you ✊). And just incase no one said this to you today, I love you (most).

• Love from a brother on planet Earth

(Originally posted in r/teenagers)