My birthday

It’s my birthday in an hour. Like many people in this thread it’s a day that has always made me feel my lowest. Has always made me compare everything I do for others to what they do for me. And due to ny brain it just always feels like I’ve got the short end of the stick. For my most recent birthdays I’ve always planned everything, but for my friends I’m the planner for them. Despite the people that matter to me knowing how much my situation sucks right now (unemployed/couch surfing), it still feels like the onus is on me to perk myself up. Which again is fine cause that’s life right, but I just know when it’s been the other way around I’ve driven hours to celebrate my friends, spent hundreds of dollars, and done everything I could to make sure they felt their best. But I can just tell that tomorrow all I’ll get is a couple well wishes. I sound like an ungrateful brat and feel like one too. I really just wish I wasn’t here or that I didn’t have a birthday this year. Now just like every year my birthday is brought in with tears streaming down my face. Happy birthday to me !