Recent near attempt

Just venting I guess. But also how do I even talk about this?

Last Tuesday I had a close call with attempting. I got drunk, self harmed, wrote a note and had everything I needed. I completely broke down and was hyperventilating just wanting to die. I was so close to doing it and the only reason I stopped was because I went online for support. I calmed down enough to just put myself to bed.

The whole week I cycled through numbness and thinking I should just attempt again. Besides thanksgiving I spent all of the break in bed. I decided I would try again on Saturday. I even went as far to write sub plans for all of this week just in case.

Saturday I got drunk again. Self harmed badly but had a moment and I knew I wasn’t going to attempt but I also knew I wasn’t getting any help. I was so drunk and dizzy I kept falling asleep. So I took care of my wounds and went to bed.

Woke up this morning feeling completely empty and just so disconnected from everything that’s happened this past week. I don’t even know where to begin with getting help. I feel fine so my brain is telling me this is all nothing. I have therapy this week and I have no idea how to talk about it. Logically I know I’m past the point of needing more help. But I don’t feel any of it.