I don’t want to go therapy, do inner child work, or heal anymore.

I want my childhood back. I want to re do my childhood and have a childhood I don’t have to heal from. I want an adulthood where don’t have to do inner child work, reparent myself and piss away money for therapy to heal from things I didn’t want or choose experience.

I want a childhood with filled with happy memories. I wanna childhood with a loving family where I feel safe, happy, loved and protected. I want a father that didn’t scream at me, call me names and throw objects at me. I want a mother who protected me. I want a sister who wasn’t able to get away with abusing me to because she was the favourite of both off them. I want a safe family home where grown adults weren’t screaming, swearing, calling each other names, throwing objects and slamming doors in each other’s faces everyday.

No amount of therapy or healing will give me a what I want. No amount of healing will give me loving family, happy childhood or a safe home. No amount of therapy will give me back all the years I should’ve been happy but were miserable over those things I didn’t choose to experience. No amount of any of that will add an extra 20 years to my life to make up for the previous 20 pissed down the drain.

I don’t want that love and protection from myself. I want that love, protection and safety from someone else I want that love and protection from someone older and wiser than me. Why do I have to put in so much time, energy and effort in finding love, safety protection when others have never had to work for it a day in their lives. Why is self love and protection the only thing I get when others are born with people that do that for them.