Just a vent :)

Im starting to hear and see things. nothing bad just ill hear my name or see headlights in the distance- shadows then i look and they are gone… ill feel my phone buzz and hear it ring then i check and nothing. I think im losing my mind- ive always showed signs of schizoid pd and im more likely to get schizophrenia… idk if its just paranoia- a glitch or idk… but my mental status is dropping and the only reason i dont resort to ŞĦ is cuz ill be caught… ive already been through therapy and all the steps… im on zoloft rn but istg i cant take it. whenever i text her all that goes through my mind is how im ruining her, tearing her apart. My şëx appeal has been weird… sometimes ill do my own “stuff” multiple times and day and feel disgusted… sometimes i have no energy to help myself and whenever i do i overthink. i think abt how im not good enough, mentally physically, emotionally… i just dont feel good enough and i think abt how disgusting i can be- how vile humanity is and how much i hate myself. i wanna get worse. i wanna see things. i wanna be alone all day. i wanna socialize, i want love. i wanna feel. i dont feel much love and when i do it makes me go crazy. i love so much it makes me sick and i feel so bad. god wont help me idk