Narcissistic abuse guilt?! Is that even a thing

Hello I am new here and I just have to say that your stories are absolutely disgusting and heartbreaking and although it may not mean much from a stranger, I am so sorry. This is a sector of my life that I don’t talk about whatsoever and try to suppress it as much as possible, but at this point it’s just getting out of hand and I hope to find others who relate through this page.

I am 22 years old (f) and have a narcissistic dad. My dad had a very tragic childhood and to understand his abuse as I grew older, I’ve always told myself that he is the way he is because of that. He has never physically abused me, but he has absolutely tormented me in every emotional, mental, and verbal way for as long as I can remember. He has given me no reason to continue to love him and want him to be apart of my life, but for some odd reason I just can’t help feeling empathetic towards him. I text him that I love him every night before I go to bed. If I didn’t do that I probably would never hear from him again. Sometimes I think to myself why do I even bother doing this, but then feel so much guilt and think that if something were to happen to him my last words wouldn’t have been I love you.

On thanksgiving (I spend this holiday with the other side of my family) he was texting me all day saying that he was alone, sending one word replies when I would ask him questions about how he was doing, and I told him I would come see him and bring him a bunch of food. I was worried sick all day about my dad being alone on a holiday, packed a 5 course fucking meal, left the rest of my family and drove 45 minutes away to be with him. Upon my arrival he had downed an entire bottle of whiskey and decided right then that that was the perfect time to tell me all of the “horrible” things I’ve done to him between the ages of 13-18, mind you he barely even spoke to me as a teenager. I was a horrible kid because my dad didn’t want to talk to me- cussed out teachers in school, snuck out, meeting with boys years older than me in the middle of the night, failed classes, lost more friendships than I can count. My mom (who is absolutely incredible) will tell people to this day she didn’t think that I would even pass high school.

I left his house in tears and had to sit in a parking lot for 2 hours to gather myself before I drove back home. My mom asked me that night how much more of this am I going to put up with and at what point is it time to put that “relationship” to bed for good and my only answer for her was “when he’s dead” because of how much guilt I would feel for not talking to him…even though he doesn’t even care to know or talk to me! He doesn’t ever ask me questions about me or my life. He doesn’t know a single one of my friends names. I told him on thanksgiving that I’m applying to law schools right now and his response was that he’s retiring, which he’s already told me 100x before. I tell him all kinds of things about my new job and I know with 100% certainty he would not be able to tell a single person what I do if they asked him. Whenever I try to share things about my life that a parent would want to know, the conversation shifts straight back to him.

I feel like I’m going insane with feeling guilty and empathetic towards him. It’s even carrying over into my dating relationships too. I had a boyfriend all four years of college who turned out to be a completely different person than I thought he was (definitley a fucking narcissist too) but I still can’t help feel bad for him and will never decline a phone call from him. I continuously make excuses for shitty behavior because of what my ex boyfriend has gone through too. I feel like I am disrespecting myself over and over again but I also just can’t stop or at least I don’t know how to stop. I also don’t know if it’s entirely the guilt or if I am just that desperate for someone to love me the way I love them. I also feel like I can’t remember things clearly, especially things in my childhood that have made me sad or even in my relationship with my ex. I know that they are there, but when I try to remember things my mind goes blank. My ex and my dad will often say well what have I ever done to you and I can’t thinking of anything to say but I know it’s in there somewhere. What is that?!?!?! I quite literally feel like I’m going insane. I would greatly appreciate any advice or commentary or hearing about similar experiences.