My dog got killed by another dog and i feel so alone

Hi, it might be a triggering read for some, i mentioned a violent death

very long post, it's just me rambling, i am sad, if you lost a pet i love you, idk you, but i know what my pain feels like, and i am so sorry for anyone else going through it, it's something we share, even though we dont know each other, just know i have a thought for anyone who lost their pet.

it was in august 2025, I had my dog (5) for only a year and a half, it was my first dog, he got killed by a stray pitbull-like dog, mine was some sort of chihuahua.

He had behaviour problems because of his past and we were working through it, but for some reason, other males would constantly attack him, and this was a problem we were working on, still he got attacked.

I was not alone during the attack so I shouldn't feel alone, i was with my boyfriend who stood there helplessly while i was trying to get the stray to let go off mine.

I m not mad at my boyfriend, sometimes I wonder if I blame him because i told him to catch the other dog while the other was still far away, so I could blame him, but I don't think I do, he did not hear me.

Im mad that I did not catch him myself and told my bf to go home with our dog. There were policemen trying to catch the stray a few meters from us, they would have taken him. They almost shot the dog btw, i yelled not to, I thought one death is better than two.

I hate myself because from the moment i saw my dog bleeding out on the floor i did not think he woudl survivre. I hate myslef because this is a situation I kept imagining, I feel like i've "manifested it", or that i deserve it, that i've been punished for imagining that my dog could get killed like this, i hate myself, i am not religious but i remember thinking the whole week my dog was at the vet that he would die to punish me, and everytime I thought about him dying i felt like i was the one killing him, i hate myself for crying in front of him at the vet during the daily visits, i hate myself for leaving him alone, he's been abandoned 2 times before i got him, he must have felt so betrayed, alone and hurt, i remember him screaming in pain, unable to lift himself off the ground, and me crying, the day before he died. How was he supposed to live if i did not believe he would survivre ? I hate myselft so much because now my life is easier since i don't have to take care of him, no more waking up at night because he'd bark at anything, no more lessons to pay to teach him how to be a civilised dog, now i can live with my bf since he did not like being woken up at 4am by my dog, i can travel, i don't have to worry about getting him out etc etc etc.... But i liked my life better when he was here, i miss him barking and waking me up, i miss him som much.

I once got drunk and so sad i cried, lile ugly cried, like crying and screaming, out in the street, alone, at 3 am, like i actually lost it, and for some reason smashed my phone until it was completely shattered, only to remember the next day that i had ALL the pictures of him I've ever taken on this phone. I hate myself for doing this, why tf would i break my phone while a in drunk rage fit like ???????

Needless to say, i almost don't drink anymore and certainly not as much, it always makes me so incredibly sad about his death.

I'm so mad, the vets thought, for some reason, that I did not want a blood transfusion for my dog, and when i asked why they're not doing it they were surprised and only then started looking for a donor, but when the donor arrived it was too late. The donor was litteraly on his way when my dog died.

I am so mad at myself for not asking for the blood earlier, I am mad that I did not strangle the stray because I was scared of my hands around his face.

I can't cope, I cry every day and I can't sleep alone since then. I sometimes have nightmares with my dog but not as much as I'd like too , because even though they're nightmares, at least he's there.

I miss him so much, I don't think I want to live, I've been depressed before and wanted to die before but this is something else, : t's not like im sad all day, i'm fine, I ve never been this fine and "sane" actually, I used to be clinically depressed but now I m not, i'm like, really functional, never been this functionnal, EVER. I don't think its because of loss, i think i also changed for some other reasons ? idk

It's juste that whenever I m alone I think about my baby and I think that, even tough being miserable wont bring him back, being happy won't either, so what's the point in trying to be happy ? I imagined the next 10 years with him, now I'm lost.

I used to be depressed and now i m not but sometimes i want to be crazy like u was before getting my dog, but i have a bf and i don't want to be a self destructive mess while with him, and i don't want to break up with him, but omg, i miss being crazy, i wish i could just slef destruct all of the time but no, i have a normal life, we do normal stuff and are happy, very happy together, but when i'm alone i just get this urge to fuck up everything and destroy everything. I can't be alone or I get extremely depressed. So i see friends, even acquantainces, dont care who i m with as long as someone is physically in the same space as me i feel normal, I don't even fake being ok, i just am. But when no one is here and the distractions arent distractive enough i just cry about my dog for hours.

I know I have my boyfriend who was and is very supportive, and he says he was devasted, and still is, but he only cried once in front of me and then did not show anything anymore, he said someone needed to keep their cool, sometimes he says he missed our dog, so idk, i think i d like for him to cry with me ig, I still feel alone, I know he loved him as his own dog but it was my dog, and while I love my bf, I can imagine him leaving my life, because it's a human and he can do whatever he wants, I never thought my dog would go 10 years early. Now im scared my loved ones will die unexpectedly but still i dont appreciate them enough, because i m too sad and jaded since y dog died, like i literraly have less empathy/interest in anyone since he died (apart from my bf who if he goes away now i will not survivre). I had my whole life planned around my dog, I loved him so much, I stayed alive and woke up everyday for him, I wanted to have a good job, a good house etc just so he could be happy, and now he's gone, and I just feel like life has become automatic.

I enjoy things, it's just that everything that I do now is not for my dog, and when I m alone I think about him and I just want to give up, I will never bring him to the beach, he will never know this new city i got "forced" to move to(because i could not continue studying where we lived for financial reasons, so I will never live where we lived, never go to the parks we used to go, none of the other dogs owners i met regularly will know he died etc) we will never do anything new, he will never meet my new friends, no one knows him here, i must talk about him in past tense. I am devastated, my bf is not at home for a week and I don't want to be alone I can't stop thinking about my dog and crying,I can't sleep, its 4:30 am where i am Im writing this through my tears, i know I make no sense

I m sending love to everyone who has lost a pet, I never thought it would hurt so bad, I am sorry