I will not be a coward anymore, and I will tell my psychologist everything and hope that she will find a cure for me

I feel like I’ve been a coward for so long… Other people are so brave in therapy, while I always talk about “smaller” problems. When will I talk about the bigger ones?

I will tell her today. About my gender dysphoria, I think. I will tell her everything so she sees how much distress it causes me — that I need to identify as a trans gay man, even though I feel ashamed of it.

If she asks more questions, I have prepared a whole note to read to her. I want to tell her that sex as a girl feels distressing, that I’m afraid of losing weight because it would make my body look more feminine. I think it already looks too feminine and it made me want to cry today.

I hate sleeping without something that helps me forget about my chest. Even being called a girl makes me uncomfortable, and I dislike being referred to as one. It feels unfair that I’m only attracted to boys when they treat me as a boy

I hope that when I explain everything to her, she will tell me that I’m just a confused cis straight girl and help me feel more comfortable being a woman so I won’t hurt myself trying to force it. That would make everyone happy, right?

Because if there is no cure, then I will have to keep this a secret forever. I live in a conservative environment, so I might never find a boyfriend if I’m actually a gay trans man. Moving away from my family would feel cowardly and ungrateful. I feel like I should stay and live with them, even if it means hiding who I am

And finding maybe a LGBTQ-friendly therapist feels unfair, because every therapist works hard to do their job, and I should appreciate all of them.

I hope I won’t chicken out, because I finally have a chance to fix myself in this therapy. Please don’t mess it up. Please don’t ruin this.