Does anyone struggle to know when surprises may or may not be a good idea?

Tw/ dewth mention/grieving

Idk if theres a limit of howuch you can post in here without it being considered " too much ".

Does anyone else struggle to know when its appropriate for surprises? Im talkong about things you think someone would like?

For context: my brother died and there was miscommunication with my family and I regarding some ideas. I wasnt wasnt collaborating because I felt I wasnt bring included. Not excusing that, being honest about this though.

So I decided to make some things that I could " surprise " my family with.

My brother was obsessed with superman and smallville and when I tell you obsessed, I mean re watching smallville so many times and he was autistic and had this thing where whenever he watched something. He " had " to re watch the seasons that were released before the new one until he got to the most recent one and he just was so fascinated by Clark Kent. He could rant about superman for hours if you let him.

So I bought some button pins and I drew the superman symbol and put it inside button cases and figured my immediate family could wear them if they wanted to, if not that was fine

I also wanted to read a poem I wrote for our brother by calling his phone, and leaving a voicemail message. I know that's personal now and that i was making it about me​

Our older brother called me and said people like me of all people are always talking about being sensitive towards people and this wasnt ( not in those words, but close ) and I didnt even consider that calling his phone could possibly trigger our family, friends and especially his Fiancé

About the pins, basically he was telling me in other words that while its not a " bad " idea, I have to consider not everyone may wwnt to wewr that

And of course I know they might not want to wear those, I just thought it would be a good idea to make them in general. But I feel like yeah I might get sad if they dont wear it though ( im aware this is selfish ), i kind of dont want to bring the pins for my family and just wear one myself, but now my family knows about them and what if they ask and I didnt give them the choice of wearing them now, you know?

Also, about the voicemail idea, I dont know why I didnt consider that that could trigger people. Of course I dont want to trigger people. I know I was making it about me but I didnt think it was a bad idea. About the poem, I was worried now that it may be insensitive and I read it to him and I asked what he thought, and he said " well, its a story" as in like he didnt know what to say kind of thing and that it was personal and he and my parents dont want me reading it at my brother's funeral, but I could read it for the visitation with my parents, brother and aunt when standing infront of my brother who dieds' casket and then i can share memories at his funeral

I was already upset that things werent being communicated and I feel bad that I didnt consider that grieving is going to be different for my parents and family members, especially my parents and im aware I was being insensitive.i was struggling to get out of splitting anout not having things communicated to me, but maybe I could have waited until after the funeral to talk about this

As for surprises, that wasnt the first time ive been told a surprise I had may not be a good idea until the person who said that explained it to me and I understand what she meant

I totally forgot that my mom doesnt like surprises. Im not a huge fan of birthday surprises, but cute gifts or something sure, just birthday guests or parties without telling me, even sometimes with telling me, sometimes no thank you.

So I apologized and said I hon