Holidays Suck. This all sucks.

It's been a long journey. I (38M) and soon to be ex wife (40F) are finally filing for divorce. No kids. No property owned together. I just sent the draft agreements over to lawyer to review before filing this week finally. We'd been married for 3 years, together for 6 years. I still love my wife, but I have to file, even after all she's done to me. Thanksgiving sucked without her. Christmas and New Years are going to be even worse. But she is self destructing everything in her life right now and has hurt me so badly where I have finally given up on trying to "win her back".

In December 2024 - February 2025 she dumped and lost a lot of money into cryptocurrency meme coins. When confronted, she told me nearly $10,000. She was supposed to be saving for a house as she made more than me, and we were supposed to be splitting bills evenly, and she'd bank the difference, except she put it into crypto instead without ANY discussion. I was resentful. Then... one day she asked for Divorce in February. After day of talking we resolved things and agreed it was resentment over the cryptocurrency stuff, she came clean and told me she had "no idea" how much she actually put in and could be $20,000 to $25,000 in actuality and she just 'let me believe' $10,000 earlier as it was a number I stated. Then.. the doozy came. She had a online affair with a man in crypto currency chats. Sent him nude photos, talking about having sex if they met, etc. It was honestly all her going over this guy than the other way around. We decided to work through it and started seeking couples consoling. 3 Weeks later, she brought it back up and said she wanted "space" like me staying at a friends for a bit or something. I went to work the next day, and went to a friends to talk after work. She did the same. Long story short, she ended up in this couple-friends bed with both of them kissing and shirtless. No under the belt action. Cheating. Full on cheating. She came home, drunk as hell (They had been drinking) and said what happened. That night, I packed up my stuff, and the next day I was entirely moved out of the house in a matter of hours into a UHaul to my parents.

Within a week we had talks and decided to work things out, explaining away her friends took advantage of her when drunk, and that me leaving showed me she really wanted to be with me and gave her clarity. I mistakenly believed her. After talking things through and consoling I moved back in 6 weeks later. She quit crypto initially, but, within 1-2 months was back into it fully again and worse than before.

Summer goes by. I tried to get her to take breaks from her phone and crypto as it was all she was doing 24x7 all day all night, replacing time we had together. Even friends noticed it when out with them, how she was never part of the conversations, etc.

We took a trip to San Francisco. On this trip, she brought up the feelings were back and was thinking about separation. Once we got back we agreed to work things out and do consoling again. Things blew up, decided divorce, but then walked it back. However.. then.. I found out she attempted to have another affair. She had a crush on another guy in crypto. She flat out laid her feelings for him out, but got rejected, but it didnt stop her flirting with him consistently over and over, while he rejected her. But she tried.

Without boring you even more, a few days after I moved to a friends place to stay for a bit and she then told me she wanted divorce. October 4th, not quite 2mo ago, she "moved", really only furniture and kept all her belongings here. 1-2 weeks into that we got "close" again at her new place. She then pulled away a bit, but basically until about 2 weeks ago, around Nov 17th, we were still close. She had been saying she "She didn't think she wants to get back together" but at several times also stated "She was thinking about rebuilding our relationship". As little as those 2-2.5 weeks ago we were consistently flirting when around each other, spent a entire weekend together, i saw her naked, and we flirted HARD to the point where lets say she got me "excited" and grabbed me there. There was no misinterpreting it.

In the course of this all she also got fired from her job for being on her phone and not doing work, and also told her boss she was going to kill herself. She has also dumped the ENTIRELY of her 401k savings (Under $50,000) and either spent/blew it all ,or threw it into cyrpto memecoins, overdrown her checking multiple times, $10k's in debt, etc. She also has been getting more and more eccentric and crazy to the point where she isnt talkign to her family or friends, and the few times she agreed to meet them, shed show up HOURS late and not present and acting absolutely insane to them.

Days later she then declares she is "IN LOVE" with this crypto guy, a Friday, and planned to visiting him in December and "change his mind" about being in a relationship. Then the following Monday, a man from her past, a old friend that moved about 10+ years ago, and stopped talking to her 3.5 years ago after declaring he was in love with her and couldnt stand to see her married to me.. reached out to her. 3 days later she informs me she is flying out to see him. I decide then to drop her off the car insurance and just start filing as much as it sucked. The following weekend, Nov 22nd and 23rd, I set a deadline to have her shit out of the house by Nov 30th. When she comes over, she basically tells me she is now in a relationship and in love with this man she has been talking to for only 5 days, and was flying out to be with him. Absolutely insane. We're still married on paper as until the week before, we were still trying to work things out.

She flew out to meet him last Monday and probably has been fucking him the entire time. Least thats what I keep thinking over and over as i got crazy over it. In a twist of fate her brother messaged me a whole bunch. He and his partner dove through her crypto social media accounts after getting concerned enough, and found disturbing items and stuff. Blatant lies, shit about me, etc. Likewise a series of interactions with her led them to believe she was not right nor healthy, and reached out to her best friend who was shocked when she found out she had flown to see this guy as she cut contact with her 1.5 weeks prior after eccentric behavior.

So here I am trying to keep busy and just not fall into a pit of despair. My still wife, that we havent even filed for divorce yet, it half way across the country screwing a guy while I'm stuck alone by myself suffering through holidays alone. I've cut all contact with her. I have her blocked on every social media and everything I can think of. She mesaged me twice this week trying to breadcrumb me into replying. She has this assinine idea that "she was a good wife" and I'll realize that in time, and she wants to be very close friends. No. No. A thousand times no, I cannot be friends. I was willing to overlook and work through things as long as love was there, but her actions.. have given me no choice at this point, despite still somehow still having love for her. It's been eating me up the last 2 days not replying to her simple message of "How was your thanksgiving". She was the woman i shared everything with. To not even talk to her about the most basic things now is tormenting me. However its the right thing to do as trying to talk to her and be friendly led to me just hoping wed get back together which was literally driving me insane.

It sucks....