I’m not prepared for the amount of grief the next decade might bring

I don’t know if anyone else thinks about this, but lately I’ve been overwhelmed by the reality that at some point we’re going to start losing people at a much faster rate than we ever expected. I come from a really big family. I spent five years in undergrad and 2 grad with the same tight group of people. I worked 14 years at a small firm where nobody ever quit. I’m 45 now, and somehow not a single person from those circles has passed away yet.

If you look at the numbers, most people start losing one or two people a year once they hit their mid 30s. In a weird way I’ve been blessed, because that never happened to me. But now I’m starting to realize what the next decade might look like. If I make it to 55, it’s possible that there will be six or seven deaths a year. Family. Childhood friends. Old coworkers. People who shaped my life in real ways.

I don’t think I’m ready for that. I don’t think anyone is, but it’s hitting me harder lately. It feels like the math of life is starting to catch up to me and I’m not prepared for that kind of grief. I don’t even know how you prepare for something like that. I’m just saying this out loud because it’s been sitting on my chest and I don’t know where else to put it.