Hi TW! anxiety and depression!!

I just need to talk

Hi, I've been struggling recently, life has always been difficult for me, almost impossible, but I'm still trying to survive and just keep on going. For a while, things seemed decent until everything went wrong again. Now, for a few days I've been feeling utterly miserable but I have absolutely no one to talk to, my friends are never online when I need them, and when they are they aren't exactly the most... There? They send a few messages, then just stop responding. I wait and wait and wait for what seems like hours and when they finally respond it's just "oh I'm sorry about that" or "thats horrible" I get it, what else can they say? But I feel like I need to talk to them but they're never around long enough to actually speak.

I've started school again after years and it's horrible, it seems fine at first but the little things, the attention, the communication with human beings after literally living in my room all my life is difficult. I feel tired and worthless, I just want someone to talk to but no one is ever there, my family doesn't care whatsoever, I don't have any real life friends, all I can do is just send a message and hope that someone replies. It doesn't help that I only have 2 friends.

When I try to make new friends, it becomes an issue. A few weeks ago I made a new "friend" and now I feel like I'm stuck with this person. I'm an anxious person and If someone is going through bad stuff I feel miserable because I can't stop thinking about them. This person has become a burden, but I can't leave them because of how miserable they are already, I don't want to push them over the edge. But they seem to think I'm perfect and I know it all because I'm a year older than them for some reason. They call me their big sister, which seemed amazing at first since I've always been the younger sister irl. But now I've realized that this person is so so so miserable that I feel like I can't even keep up with them, and I'm not ready to be the "big, responsible, sister" because I'm literally 18. I'm not perfect, I'm not smart enough and I hate myself, and now I'm apparently some miserable person's big sister. This person is strange, I feel like I can't trust them with the things they say, I've been through some bad situations with people online, so I'm nervous about them.

All that is to say, I'm not good enough, and I'm definitely not good enough to be someone's friend. I'm worthless, I give terrible advice, I'm annoying and I'm not perfect. I can never keep any friends, and the ones I have don't talk to me anymore. I can't make new ones because it gets me into bad situations that I cannot escape. Im struggling enough as it is, and feeling like I have to be responsible for someone else's life is not something I want.

Thank you for reading.