after 4 years clean, i feel the urge to sh again

So, I don’t know. It’s winter again, and winters are not a good time for me.

I started cutting in the winter of my 8th grade, and that went on from late December '21 to early March '22. But then the summers started, and I couldn't wear long-sleeved clothes, and ultimately, my mom found out.

To say that she FREAKED OUT would be an understatement.
She hit me, slapped me the hardest ever till now, and looked at me with so much hatred and disgust, and said, "What have we not given you, and THIS is how you show your gratitude? For which crime am I being punished that I gave birth to such an ugly bitch like you?"

And yeah, then 9th grade started, and I found great friends, and became overall happy.

After about almost? four years clean, I’m feeling the urge to self-harm again.

Like, I feel like a failure and that I feel the urge to cut as a sense of self-punishment?

But it’s weird, like I've developed this intense self-consciousness. I keep thinking that if I cut, I’ll have scars, and then I’ll be ugly, and no one will love me. So the urge to hurt myself and the fear of ending up with scars are constantly fighting in my head.

Sometimes I’ll just be doing random things when the urge hits, like a sudden thought to cut myself anywhere I can. I don’t act on it, but it leaves me with this heavy feeling in my chest and tension around my shoulder blades.

Because I’m not giving in to cutting, my brain sometimes fixates on other harmful thoughts. There are moments when a voice in my head just repeats, “I’m going to die.” The other day, I was making coffee and suddenly felt an urge to burn my hand on the flame. Everything froze, and all I could hear was, “I’m going to die, burn it,” over and over.

The worst was two days ago. I was climbing the stairs, and near the top, I just froze with this intense urge to fall backwards and die. I could picture my skull cracking, blood everywhere, like flashes in my mind. It felt like something was pushing me, like a tiny version of me whispering, “You will die, just fall backwards.”

idk