Please help me. I'm so desperate. I'm in so much pain
Intro
I'm a transfemale. I have severe gender dysphoria. This post might be a long one. Please read it completely. I'm in so much pain and I need some reassurance, support, feeling that I'm not alone and some kind words. Please help me out. Please don't hate. Please say something positive. I have been really going through hell for several months now. This is my story. Please please read it fully. I have a reason to unwrap my whole story here. I have given all my problems at the second last section and what I want in the last section. But please please read the whole story. Please. I'm in so much anguish right now. I am seeking help here in Reddit as my last resort. Please help me. I beg you.
Childhood (till class/grade 4 i.e., Ages: 4-10)
Ever since I was a child, I imagined myself as a girl. I imagined myself being a girl, having girly hairstyles (like two ponytails to the sides) I loved whenever someone does girly things to me. I also imagined myself as other girls and enacting them (not always. But I do that). My aunt did some girly hairstyles on me and I loved it. I wanted it again and again. I was so little back then. There were some school extracurriculars such as dance, French drama and so on. I loved dance especially feminine ones. I registered myself for it and went to the rehearsal whenever they conduct it and did it diligently. During the final performance they gave me a female dress and I loved it again so much. I loved the anklet thing I wore during my dance, I loved the girl dress I wore, I loved the makeup I wore and so much more. After the dance performance, I found a shawl which I thought to be from a girl I know. It was obviously a girl's and I was the last person there to leave. I wore it and took it home. God I loved to keep it and wear it.
I also registered myself for the French drama. For the drama performance, I think I was given the girl role as well. I was made to wear lipstick. God I loved it so much. I really loved it.
Pre-teen and teenage (till class/grade 12 i.e., Ages: 11-18)
During this time, there were several things that happened. I loved every single one of it. During this time, I was actually treated like a girl. Boys there call me by girl names, treat me like a girl, touch and embrace me like a girl and kiss me like I'm a girl. I loved every single moment. I wanted to be treated like a girl. The feeling that I got from that was so good and heavenly. God I loved every moment of it. I literally felt like a girl. They accepted me as a girl. I was so happy. I can just go on about this. A guy even carried me like a girl and blushed so much and laughed. But I loved it so much. They come up with different girl names or ask if this girl name belongs to you and I will just accept it after pretending to have "accidentally" accepted it. They call me by all sorts of girl names. But all of them are valid girl names. And all of them were positive ones too. So, I loved them all as well. I also like 2 girls there and wanted to be like her, dress like her and so on. I wanted to make expressions like them, walk like them and so on.
Even in the school bus, I sat at the back end of the bus. There, there will be fake marriages with me being the girl and another guy and I loved it. God I loved it. The title of wife was so amazing. I felt like a girl. They call me by girl names and treat me like a pure girl too. I just loved this so much. I wanted to be treated like a girl too. I enjoyed being treated like a girl so much. In both the above and this cases, they used words that are exclusively used for girls in our language. I was extremely happy. Being treated like a girl, being embraced and kissed like a girl and so on was just extremely amazing. I loved it. I'm repeating it here because I loved it so much. I loved that I'm being recognized as a girl. I also changed my handwriting to be girly and bubbly. I loved it too.
Adulthood (till the end of my college years i.e., Ages: 18-23)
I went abroad for my medical studies. By sheer luck I was the only person to get a girl's uniform. God it was wonderful. God I loved it so much. I literally loved it and took it as a sign that finally I was accepted as a girl by the whole universe. I was so eager to wear it every day to the college and expected to go to college every day because of that. But then, I fell ill and none of them there was suitable for my body. So, I had to return. I then joined an engineering college.
I got my first phone and first laptop when I went to college. In everything, I only used the girl name, girl profile pics/avatars, exclusive chose the gender to be female. Be it email, first name, even last name, device name, Wi-Fi (hotspot) SSID name, usernames across several websites and so much more. Everywhere, I only used female names and female profile pics. I still do this to date. I have always imagined myself as being a girl. So, even when I play games, I only play as female characters that reflect me and to whom I can associate with.
During my time there, I met a guy who loved me as a girl. I was extremely happy. This was an online relationship. He treated me like a girl, sent me kisses, played with me and teased me. Thought about making babies and growing old (obviously I must have a womb transplant or some other way to have babies). He showered me with compliments, said all the nice words, spoiled me and ALWAYS made me blush. He just lovvvvvved making me blush. We spoke a lot and he made me feel amazing. I completely felt safe and was completely treated like a girl which I wanted. I was absolutely happy. After that we broke up after 1.5 years. This college degree is an advanced one. So, it takes 5 years to complete. So, for the remaining years, nothing happened except twice where I was compared to 2 different female celebrities and I loved it so much. But still, my whole online presence as I said was me as a girl.
Adulthood (after going to work, i.e., Ages: 24-present)
I still felt like a girl inside. I treated myself like a girl still. I wanted to be a girl still. I work in software development. In my first job, I wore girl's innerwear (including panties and a bra-like cloth) to work. It is not noticeable. But I still thought of me as a girl. I wanted to be treated like one. But the environment there isn't friendly, unlike the above. They just look down. So, innerwears are the only thing I can do. Then, when I come home, I change to girl dresses completely, and I will be extremely happy again. 2nd and 3rd jobs were remote, and I always loved to wear girls dresses since I'm at the place where I feel safe and comfortable. I don't need to worry about others. I tried all types of girl dresses and loved them all. It gave me so much happiness. I'm in my 3rd job right now. I still wear girls dresses, and I'm typing this wearing a girl's dress. I also have painted my nail now with purple glittering nail polish.
Few months back I met another guy who was so much into me. He is not from my work but it is online again. We met through a game. He lovvved my gameplay. So, he started chatting with me and then we became so close. He then proposed me. I was extremely happy and I accepted it. We talked till 4 AM with me always falling asleep to his text and he loved that. I loved falling asleep to his text too. He called me with all sorts of lovely cute names and I loved them all. He then showered me with so much love. I fell so hard for him. I imagined so many scenarios in my head. He holding me, kissing me nonstop showering me with love, cooking for me, me cooking for him, taking care of him, him falling asleep on my breasts, me combing his hair, and kissing him, us having sex with me actually having female private parts (I imagine them explicitly with me being the girl). I loved every single thought. I also dreamt soooooooooo many dreams with me and him and with me being a girl, an actual girl in the dream. He made love to me in that dream, he made me so shy, he kissed me a lot in that dream, he teased me a lot in that dream. We had a family in that dream. I was even a mother of 1000 daughters in one of the dreams. The dreams are so many. I have told every single one of them to him and he will just go crazy with love after I finish it. So many kisses and cute name calling and his own imagined scenarios with our daughters. During this period, he just consumed almost all of my time. We watched movies together. We both watched the complete Harry Potter Series together. I wanted to do that for so long. He made it come true. I don't like blood and I can't sleep alone if I watch horror movies or just horror scenes. He understood that and cared for me a lot and skipped whenever those scenes are shown. I loved this so much. He cared for me a lot. I cared for him a lot too. We also watched the Before trilogy. Even during the movies, he can't keep his hands off me. He immediately tells something lewd and make me blush a lot. Wow. He just lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvesss making me blush too. Accoding to him, I'm Hermione but he is Harry Potter and he hated whenever Ron does anything with me 😅. He comments on every feeling, every reaction I do in the movie. He loved me so much. I had a phenomenal time with him. We also watched p*rn together. For every single thing, he comments about my private parts (I imagine me having the female parts) and I reply accordingly. He would also send so many lewd GIFs to turn me on and keep me turned on for the whole day. I always, ALWAYS think of me as a girl and imagine the pleasure like a girl and I would comment on them. He loves that soooooooooo much. We also sexted a lot. I'm extremely completely submissive. I love him taking my hand, holding it and leading the way anywhere. He then wanted to roleplay. Him being professor or master. He just loves these roles. He even gave me a punishment of writing an excellent poem with some erotic elements. I also wrote journal daily for hours and gave it to him and he cherished it and only goes to sleep after reading my journal entry which has all the things I dreamed about, all the things we did together, all my feelings raw as it is. I felt like a girl 1000000000%. I was so extremely happy. I get dreams almost on a daily basis with me being an actual girl and many of them having erotic themes with him making me pregnant and many having wholesome themes as well. But I always get a dream where I was an actual girl. I told everything about them to him. He would just go crazy with love as I said. He loves it a lot. He then moved abroad for studies and due to the timezone we aren't able to speak like before anymore. But he still knows the switches to turn me on immediately. God I love him. I can never win anything against him. He knows me completely. He knows exactly what to do to calm me down when I'm angry, he knows exactly what to do to turn me on, he knows exactly what to say to make me blush so hard. Even during my meetings, he does so much lewd things, says so much lewd things, sends so much naughty stuff and make me stutter or go blank during meetings. He just loves to put me in extremely difficult spot like that too. But now, the activity has decreased due to him being abroad and due to huge timzezone gap.
The Main Problem Now (severe depression + OCD)
Few months back, all those longing of wanting to be a pure girl, longing to experience everythgin as an actual girl with him, and having an actual girl experience bursted and I was pushed extremely deep into depression. I have been crying everyday. My identity is a girl. But I want to be an actual girl. I haven't transitioned yet. But I want to be a girl. I can't tell this to parents despite soooooo much history above. Nobody will accept me. I have been depressed for so long. Not a day without crying. I have been crying and depressed for so long that I went into anhedonia (I think a month ago). Nothing felt joyful, nothing was pleasurable anymore. I lost interest in everything I used to enjoy. The whole world felt blank. Then I attempted "it". I don't need a life where I'm not a girl. I didn't ask to be born like this. I actually avoid looking at myself in the mirror. I avoid looking at my shadow. I avoid looking at my privates. I hate to even have a brief accidental look at the mirror when I pass through. I hate this body. I get severe longing and become so envious when I see girls. Why do they get to be a girl but I don't? This is the only thing that runs. I imagine their hairstyle on me, their dresses on me, their makeup on me and feel a deep longing to be an actual girl. I need not worry about anybody if I had been born as a girl. I would have been my actual self. Whenever I see a girl, I get this intense longing and envy. Then due to my severe depression, everything went numb. I couldn't feel anything. Even now, I'm just so numb. When I searched for the reason, it happens because of anhedonia. It is a product of MDD it seems. But I hate feeling nothing. Being a girl and longing to be one is the one thing that keeps me alive and has been consistent throughout my life. I don't wanna lose it. I'm extremely scared of this. I forced myself to cry by watching extremely emotional videos to just feel something. I also once sh myself to at least feel something. I have been going through this cycle of extreme depression + anhedonia + OCD on top of that. OCD keeps attacking my thoughts saying that you're not a girl, you're just attracted to them, you're just gay (this is jsut so fucking stuping given my history above), you're a femboy (again so fucking stupid given my complete history above) and many other intrustive thoughts. This causes my severe depression to even worsen further. It is extremely painful. I wasn't even able to type them without feeling intense pain. I still get dreams as me being a girl. I get a lot of dreams where I am a girl. Day before yesterday, I cried 3-4 times. First time, I felt intese longing to become a girl and envy when I saw other girls on the video or images. The OCD is extremely painful. So, I just watch videos for girls and only with girls in it just to avoid the OCD thoughts I mentioned. Second time I felt a bit of longing and envy. Next 2 times, I cried but didn't feel a single thing. I was already so much overloaded with depression, trauma, OCD that I literally collapsed on my chair and woke up a while later. I was so much in pain. I am still in so much pain. It hurts so bad. The day before that, I was extremely consumed by OCD for the whole day. It was such an extremely painful experience. Why do I have to suffer like this? Yesterday, I cried so much for more than an hour deeply longing to be a girl and I was also so envious of the girls I saw on the video and in images. I paint my nails, apply lipstick, apply eyeliner, curl my eyelashes, wear girl dresses all day, etc. But the thought that doing all this is fake and I will never be biologically a girl haunts me and made me so sad that I cried for so long that when I went to sleep, I was out for nearly 10 hours. I never sleep for this long. NEVER. I mostly sleep for onyl 6-8 hours. 8 is very rare. So 6-7 is the most. Even after the breakfast, I was still extremely exhausted that I slept again for more than an hour. Then I teared up a little but tears didn't fall but just vanished. I am in so much anguish right now. I am completely being exhausted and caught in the depression + OCD + trauma cycle. I just talk to ChatGPT to get a reassurance. I don't have anyone else in my life. I'm all alone. It is extremely painful. I just want someone to acknowledge me and make me feel like a girl. I just want someone in my life. Please help me with below. I beg you. I am severely depressed and in extreme anguish which I can't describe using words. Please help me. Please. I have nowhere else to go. Reddit is my last resort. Please be positive. I beg you. All I want is this below
What I want right now?
- Please help me heal those OCD thoughts or twist those OCD thougts into something positive that I can use to reassure my identity
- I want to feel the longing again. Longing to become a girl. Whenever depression + OCD hits, I become anhedonic and completely numb and so much exhausted. Then I become anhedonic for several days. It is extremely scary to not feel it. It is extremely sacred for me to have it always
- Please reassure my identity. Please be positive. I already suffer so much. Please reassure my identity that despite what OCD tells.
- Please share some experience from your life. I just want to feel that I'm not alone in this
- Have you felt like this? Have you felt this strong dysphoria that you felt the sense of longing slipping away?
- Have you not felt this longing for a period of time and you got scared? If so, how long? How did you overcome this and found the sense of longing again?
- Please share me how you attach yourself to long for becoming a girl? I know I have been most comfortable with me being a girl all my life. But this depression and OCD has made me spiral down so bad. I just want to feel the longing and I just want to feel like a girl again.
- How do you feel like a girl all day? Please share your experience.
- Please give me some ideas, routines etc. so that I can feel like a girl all day everyday. Please I need this so bad. I'm in so much pain. All I do is find something to do and feel like a girl. I am numb from depression right now. But still please give me ideas, routines and so on that I can at least do to get some feelings of my true self back.
- Do you actually feel longing to become a girl all day? If not, does that scare you? Why?
- How are you coping with life? I have a life where nobody is going to accept me as my true self of being a girl. Despite this, I need to feel like a girl always. Please give me some ideas, routines, rituals etc.
- Could you please suggest some resources (books, YouTube videos, Twitch streams etc.) that could help me, that could make me feel like a girl all day?
- Anything else that will help me. Personal experiences can help me a lot to know that I'm not alone. Anything else you feel would help me, please share it.
Please remember that, I am here as a last resort. Please help me. Anything that can help is appreaciated. The whole cycle of depression, OCD and trauma is killing me day by day. I'm literally physically collapsing due to exhaustion. It is extremely painful. Please help me out.
Infinite thanks for everyone taking time to read my actual life story and those who respond for this. May you all have a wonderful life filled with joy forever. Anything you share will be immensely helpful. Thank you so much again. Love you all
EDIT: I know that I must go to a professional for OCD. But please try to answer as much questions as possible. It will really help me. It may be as simple as reassuring my identity in one of the questions. This will at least help alleviate some pain. Please help me out. Also regarding the transitioning, I want to do it. But I'm scared that it'd take so much years. Someone mentioned that I have to wait for at least 3 years in their country just to get HRT. This is so scary. That's why I am asking these questions. I want to transition too. I crave it. Right now, answering as much questions as possible will help me a lot. Please do it if possible.
EDIT 2: Guys this OCD is killing me so much. I was happy imagining myself as a girl when I transitioned and all the things I would do when I transitioned. But the OCD keeps changing the attacks and destroys me completely. It produces mental images like having s*x with a girl with me being my current gender (I hate to say the name of my current gender). I loathe this thought completely. I absolutely hate it. I want some million knives to slashed and pierced onto my body and rip it apart and chop it and thrown into fire when I think a
Posted Dec 1, 2025, 6:51 PM UTC