How do I handle a performance review after a totally unproductive year?

Alright, so I basically did the bare minimum this year, less than that in fact. Personal life was a disaster, just getting to December alive was a win. My manager has no idea, and I don't plan to tell him.

Now we've got this performance review BS to do. My boss hates it as much as I do, but we both have to play the game. How do I answer the "achievements," "strengths," and "goals" questions when my main achievement was...

Need to write something that doesn't scream "I did nothing," but also doesn't make promises I can't keep. Any scripts or strategies for getting through this without shooting myself in the foot?

Thanks, folks.