Comparassion and extern validation are killing me

Since I was a child, I used to compare myself to others and envy them. I wanted to be the best and used to cry when lost a game. This have came from my father, who was absent and broke up with my mom before I was born. He has Borderline and I has autism and what we call in my country "Altas Habilidades", but we didn't know it yet. He was negligent and used to yell at me and be agressive when I wasn't able to answer a Math question. He was a person who got emotional easily, and made me feel dumb for not understanding this type of activity. I've grew up fearing him and feeling that I wasn't enough. During 2021, my life became a hell after throwing alcoohol in a friend. She was just trying to help me in an anger attack, and I deeply regret this until today. I became hated and became friends with another girl, but I had a jealousy attack and the thigs got worse. My inferiority complex also got stronger when I tried to be like L. Lawliet from Death Note by being extremely good academically. And my two dogs died in the same year. After all this, I developed an anxiety disorder and needed to start therapy. Since that time and until this year, I've tried to end myself a lot of times and started self-harming. It was a way to punish myself because I hate me and I hate being in this body. Also, it's by guilty. When I went to another school, I've developed emotional dependency in others. Even if I suffered a lot in my old school, the events that made me suffer the most were the ones involving my dad. He created a hole in my heart and made me want uncounditional love from people because I didn't have his love. So, I always would need to prove myself to others. Today, we have a way better relationship and I'm solving my things with him. However, I still have great inferiority complex, anxiety disorders and self-hatred. Even being one of the best from my class, I'm not the best between the best. I always compare myself with others and have anxiety attacks when I doesn't understand a subject (mainly in Physics, Chemistry, Biology and Math) bc of autism. And I compare myself even with characters, mainly with Hermione Granger (mainly in the 3rd movie). She's so smart... Even people saying all the time that I'm smart, I can't help but still compare myself with Hermione. She gets perfect scores in all tests, while I feel left behind and inferior when talking about the other best students from class. I know that I could get these scores if I started studying even more. But just thinking about it makes me feel exhausted. When I can't understand something, I think sometimes that "Hermione would know how to do it" and I start crying. Also, she has friends who always support and love her, and I can't feel satisfied with my friends, even liking them. It looks like I want to have deep friendship love tons of times (probaly something that have came from daddy issues). Also, Hermione in the movies is extremely pretty. People since my childhood say that I'm pretty. But when I look at movie Granger, well... I feel like that I'm extremely fat and I feel like that my face looks like a frog one. Sometimes, I just didn't want to be myself and stop existing. I never think that I'm smart enough, pretty enough... And my father still makes me suffer, no matter how we are having a better relationship. I always want to be complimented and seen by others, always see everything as competition...