I Think it's probably pretty Normal to Resent having to Take responsibility for your Adult self, when you Feel ripped off of a Childhood, Used up, and Bone Weary?

I work hard to do the Things I need to do, but sometimes it's like operating Blind and so overwhelming and exhausting that I feel like running away. "I should do this, ...........ooor....maybe I'll just fuck around on the computer......why the hell not?"

But honestly? At times? I just want to be a Toys r Us kid. I don't want to work, I want to play. I want to peruse the pointless websites that make me happy, skirt my responsibilities, wander around aimlessly. Of course I pay the price for my procrastination. But I think it's pretty normal to want to retrieve, rescue, recover, your childhood that was torn away from you at an early age, in leiu of some sort of early indoctrination into adulthood, or some other co-dependent, trauma bonded , imprisoning dynamic that you were forced into. You couldn't say "I don't' feel like listening to your problems, find an adult to talk to, I'm busy playing with my Lego's". or "no, I'm not spending every waking moment cleaning the house to your satisfaction, I have other shit I rather be doing.....or maybe I'll do Noooooothing, what do you think of THAT!!!".

I just couldnt take stressful jobs that I hated, after spending my entire childhood; fighting for my life, stressed, feeling like I was working a full time job, while going to school, while raising myself. MY entire Childhood. I was Burnt OUT! It's the truth. I was spent. Had every natural resource completely used up , and extorted by my relentlessly needy, manipulative, emotionally blackmailing, soul sucking parent.

After that , there wasn't enough caffeine in the world to restore my CNS to some functional way of working in the world. It had been run........bone dry. Always tired, always exhausted. every exchange so completely threatening, and the energy it took to mask "adult" , instead of the wreck of a person I was..........so overwhelming that the thought of having to work a high performing job, would have broken me in half.

I made enough money to get buy, barely. But being able to go home at night , not a care in the world for whatever bullshit was happening at work, saved my life. Show up for work, "hi I'm here do to whatever you want me to do!" Leave at night "Bye! have a great night, I'm going to go home and not think of any of you, seeya tomorrow" . After growing up consumed with worry and fear for not caring "enough", or the "right way".. for my parent, terrified that I'd forget some critical thing I'd get hammered for, .....so having a job I could simply walk away from, at the end of the day , was my personal way of exerting my freedom , from the caged animal that I was as a child.............that freedom was priceless. Leaving my work behind, I don't owe anyone another God damn thing once I walk out that door, "well have a good night!!!" Partly thinking 'you can all fuck off now, until tomorrow, I don't owe you a God damn thing, I gave you everything I had for 8 hours, now I'm drawing a hard boundary...........leave ....me ....the....hell ...alone".

I spent days at school, ...at school....worried sick about what was happening at home, what would greet me when I walked through the door. Riddled with anxiety of what way I was somehow outperforming my mother, while I was at school that would piss her off somehow.

I'm working on trying to remember that when I do the things I need to do, I can play more freely. And that lost of people have to do things that suck ass, but they do them anyway, it's not just me. And maybe, just maybe, the better I get at doing things I need to do, the less it will suck? Who wants to do anything, if they're guaranteed to fail or failing is equated with worthlessness. I need to remember that. I'm allowed to fuck up, like everyone else.