What should I do

I took the saw out of the garage. Sometimes I get the urge to saw off my limbs. I’ve tried the hospital but they think it’s bpd attention seeking. I’ve swallowed pills with weed to knock me out through out during the day. I can’t even perform simple tasks and the thought of hacking off a limb is tempting. My body feels wrong and I want out of it. I know it’s not rational but sometimes mental illness isn’t. I’m such a pussy I’m tired of being a burden but don’t have the follow through I would give anything to die. I don’t want to try and get better I just want a way out. I swear god makes some people the butt of a joke cause He needs losers to distinguish from those amazing and talented.