What’s the connection between making them block me and me feeling calm?

Hi everyone, all my life I’ve been rejected and it usually happens once I show my face online. These rejections often lead in me either being removed or out right blocked. It use to hurt but now it doesn’t feel like anything.

Something I’ve noticed recently is when I do get emotionally overwhelmed with a girl whether it’s in a romantic sense or just because I need to feel something I will ask them to block me.

I sometimes regret it after but just the feeling of rejection just makes me feel safe. I can’t describe it. People ask if it’s a kink but it doesn’t turn me on. It just feels familiar. Does anyone have something similar like this?

I believe part of the reason why I do it is so the rejection can be quicker and or I can be out of the control of the rejection.

Thanks