Fired our only help

I am a stay at home mom to 2 boys, 3 years and 1 year old. I had severe PPD, and was put on Lexapro which is helping a lot. From when my youngest son was 3 months old until now, we had a nanny come help me with the kids which also helped a ton. First she only watched my toddler at my home, but that nanny moved so we found another (a distant family friend) who’s been with us for the last 3 months. She was with both kids for 10 hours per week. The issue is that I have a nanny cam and I saw her rough handle my toddler and discipline him in a way I never approved. Basically she yelled at him for not cleaning his plate, then pulled/dragged him to a different time out spot than we told her we use, and then pulled him to another spot. I also saw that she’s on her phone the majority of the time, and a few times we found out she drove to another town with my kids and went shopping at the Dollar Store, went on 45 minute coffee runs, and left my kids in her car while she went into her house to pick something up to bring to her teenage son at school.

I told my husband I needed to fire her. I was scared to get rid of the only help we have. He talked to her and let her go. I’m scared of what’s to come- 5 days/week with both kids by myself. We don’t have family close enough to help out, and all of my girl friends work full time and none have kids.

I think I just need a pep talk or a kick in the butt telling me I can do this. I’m not sure why I feel so bad about this.