Why does it feel like life wants me to feel tormented?

I apologize for the absolute shell shock of a post this is, I REALLY need to get my feelings out there.

It’s officially been two years since I found out I was transfeminine. I’m 16, and it is crazy to me that I started the journey at 14. But oddly enough, it hasn’t felt like two years. It’s felt like it has been such a little amount of time since then. But at the same time, days feel like terribly slow drags that claw at my mind. Why?

The past couple of months have been a living hell for me. And it doesn’t feel like it was my fault either. If it isn’t anything political, HRT is something I’ve been seeking for a long, long time, mainly because I have terrible chest dysphoria. However, I’ve come up completely empty–handed, fruitless. It makes me feel terrible. What’s worse is that I have to watch as my also–American friends actually achieve the things that I desperately desire, knowing that terrible things happened the longer I waited. It’s eating into my mind like a terrible thought, one that cannot be brushed away without a solution that isn’t even going well to begin with. Thanks a lot, Florida.

I go by the name of Abigail, and have been for approximately a year by now. Though, I usually use “Abbie” instead, solely for cuteness points. It works splendidly in the online world, and my friends happily call me by my name. But in the offline world, I am constantly deadnamed at home and at school, a constant reminder that I am not at all seen as the person that I really am. I vividly remember a day a year and a half ago where I asked at home for my name to be used, only to be told to be “more patient”. It’s been more than enough time for me and my patience has unfortunately run so dry that it would give Death Valley a run for its money. What happened?

My mental health has been at an unhealthy decline due to these things. I temporarily left a friend group for over three months due to this decline. And they’re also far better off with the trans journey than I am. I honestly feel like I am approaching a monumental barrier, one that will make me have an existential crisis.

Lastly. This part is mostly dedicated to my mom, who has at the very least supported me in the past two years. I am very thankful to be your child, and there is not denying that. I feel thankful for my lucky stars for you to be my mother. But I need you to listen to me for a moment. I am obviously not well, as this entire post exists. The urgency of hormone therapy to me is one that even I had undermined back then. I’m sorry if I’ve wronged anybody in these two years, whether it’s you or someone else.

Please don’t cry tears of sorrow. I’m still here for you.

As for this post, please, Reddit, tell me what to do. I can’t go on for much longer before I snap and lash out. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Help. Please…