relationship under stress from mental health issues and burnout- feeling lost

hi everybody, this is going to be a bit of a pity party. I (21ftm) have been in a triad for a few years with two women I love so very much, we can call them Flower (22mtf, been in a LDR for four-ish years where we see each other irl every few months) and Gemstone (25mtf, nesting partner, been together for 3 years, living together for nearly two years, i moved in to act as a sort of carer for her as she's been going through some really hard times with her health). The two of them have been together for two and a half years, about 6 months before I started living with Gemstone.

I'm burnt out. Badly. I jumped in and got way over my head trying to care for Gemstone when her health crisis started in early 2024, especially since at first she had very little day to day support from anyone else and it was basically all on me to make sure she had her basic needs met. She was concerned from the start that I was doing too much, but I was 19 and stupid and I ignored her worries and I've been paying the price with my mental health. For the past year, but especially the past six months, I've been constantly tired, my memory has been worse, I've been less able to plan things, keep track of things, do chores/keep up with basic tasks, etc. My relationships have suffered from this in ways I am overwhelmed by and feel fucking terrible for. I'm worse at listening, worse at remembering things, I'm much less reliable and emotionally stable, and things have been coming to a head. With Gemstone, I feel like we're figuring things out okay (she's truly the most patient and level-headed person I've ever met) but with Flower... I don't know how to handle how things have been going.

My partner Flower is also doing terrribly on the mental health front. She's equally as burnt out as I am because of some new chronic health issues, Uni, cptsd she's not in a position to treat, and a string of bad luck situations with housing (shit roommates, insecurity, etc). I used to be pretty good at being at least a place of comfort for her, but we've been drifting apart emotionally for probably over two years now. Basically when Gemstone's health crisis started and I commited to helping her through it I suddenly had much, much less time and energy for my LDR with Flower, and that, paired with some communication issues we've had (mostly me not understand how her cpstd affected her for a long time), we've just kind of been apart in a lot of ways. we still have our weekly online dates, we still try to go place and do things IRL when she comes over (she's the only of us three to drive and we can't really afford plane tickets) but its rare that we have any real emotionally involved conversations unless its about conflict (and we're both kind of in terrible places for handling those so they get drawn out over days and hurt a lot every time) and despite efforts to renew our sexual connection there hasnt been a lot happening on that front in a long time either.

As far as I can tell, Flower and Gemstone's relationship is going very well, and Flower seems a lot more willing to share her troubles and feelings with Gemstone regularly. I can't pretend I'm not a little jealous of this at times. I try very hard not to let it affect how I interact with either of them but I can't not be aware of the difference there. It's to the point that every time Flower and I have a fight, Gemstone has to be (well, insists on being) present in order to mediate (mostly because if she doesn't, Flower either refuses to speak to me at all or gets incredibly cruel when she's upset). Flower just. doesn't trust me on a deeper level anymore. I'm not going to pretend this isn't due to my actions, but I would be lying if I said I fully understood what it is I'm doing that keeps this pattern going. I feel like the burnout has created a kind of memory hole in my brain that swallows up everything that causes me stress and every time Flower and I have a big conversation and it feels like we've made progress, a lot of it gets memory holed and I end up fucking up again without realising it.

I'm scared. I miss feeling like I could talk to Flower without risking triggering her. I miss feeling hopeful about my life. Theres a lot of stuff I need to work on in order to fix things, and I am in therapy right now, but I can't afford more than two sessions a month and with how exhausted I am I don't think I'm going to be able to fix my shit fast enough for my relationship with Flower to survive. We had another fight last friday and she told me she was dissapointed that this keeps happening despite how many times we've talked about it. The thing that happened is I got upset at something she said that was innocuous but felt rude to me, I responded angrily (something I regret) and both she and Gemstone got extremely triggered and stopped talking to me until the next day. I don't know how I'm supposed to stop that from happening short of completely fixing my issues handling anger, and although I'm working on that its not exactly something that can be simply dealt with in one go like taking out the trash.

Every time I talk to either Gemstone or Flower about my burnout the only ideas they have on how to improve the situation are entirely things that I should be doing/things i should change/things i need to work on in therapy and basically no suggestions for anything else. It makes me feel like they think the state I'm in is entirely my fault and like I don't deserve help or grace with it. Its a lot of "I'm doing bad, its hard to even imagine how things could change and I'm scared I'm never going to get better" "well you need to get better about it" type of exchanges (altho gemstone is softer about how she phrases it and flower gets pretty passive-aggressive).

I've been thinking about if its even worth it to keep being partners with Flower, but at the same time she is such an important fixture of my life I'm absolutely terrified of losing her. Not to mention how it would affect Gemstone and our futures- the plan has always been that Flower would move in with Gemstone and I after her studies. I just wish things were different. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with weights attached to my ankles.

If anyone has words of hope or some gentle advice I would very much appreciate it.