I (19NB) cant shake my resentment for my (20M) partner. I am not being fully supported and I don’t know what else I can say to him to fix it.

My (20M) partner and I (19NB) have been together for almost 2 years now. We moved in together very early into our relationship out of necessity (5 months in) It wasn’t ideal, but we love each other deeply and have loved living with each other despite its challenges and learning curves. We connected and became close friends immediately and became official only a few months in.

Some context, we both suffer from depression, anxiety, adhd. I myself am autistic, which has been a struggle to discover and navigate. It makes it difficult for me to work, feed myself, etc etc. He’s very sweet, loving, and understanding. He cares for me and TAKES care of me. Im medicated for adhd, he is not, and his is a greater challenge for him than mine is. He is incredibly forgetful- which he often feels guilty about, but it means I have to take the lead in delegated most chores and making sure what needs to be taken care of actually GETS taken care of. Often causing me to pick up his slack. He has been unemployed for multiple months now, meaning I am the sole provider as well what’s beginning to feel like the maid.

It’s hard to acknowledge what he DOES to when he’s very inconsistent, forgetful, and at times borderline neglectful to our pets. (piled up litter, no water for hours, etc etc). I try to be understanding, I’ve made chore boards, we’ve had many conversations where i tell him exactly what i need, that I’m resentful due to lack of change, that i need more support. I get hopeful, and changes ARE being made, but its so slow going and im losing hope.

For more context, i do NOT make enough money for our needs. I pay for rides to work. The only reason we currently do not have a car is because unfortunately neither of us are licensed. I practice when I can, but I work. He has consistent access to a buddy’s car and drives constantly. So the plan was for him to get his license first, and then id learn with him. Our friend is offering us his old car, no rush on paying for it. $500 for the entire car, thats it. We NEED this. He failed the first few tests, no biggie. But I come to find out he has NOT scheduled a new one. Im drowning in debt, I cry to him constantly about being burnt out. The car is such a need because it would solve most of the problems we have right now. (better job options, not paying to get to and from work every day, the opportunity to make money doing deliveries.). I was enraged when i found out, but I approached him with compassion and with honesty. I gave him the money he needed for the retake. I said I needed it to be priority, that I feel alone in our financial struggles and i was not being supported. That my trust has to be earned again. He was very understanding, he apologized, said he felt guilty, promised to be better and said he’d schedule it asap.

A few days later and I KNOW it has not been scheduled. Im too angry to bring it up. He will if i do, but i feel i should NOT have to. I should not have to constantly be checking that he is doing his part. Im at a loss. Every little thing he forgets, every lack of forethought, makes me like him less. It’s so hard to push through it.

It’s hard to not stay resentful for something that happened before we moved into our current place from the last- it comes to mind every time he lets me down. I was essentially alone during the move. I tried to understand and move on. He was being overworked at the time and he deals with some chronic pain. But i packed everything ALONE. I cried to him and begged for help. I told him he was NOT allowed to put me through that again. I made him promise to be better. But every time im somewhat let down, it nags at the back of my mind. The exhaustion, the defeat, the loneliness and resentment.

Something so small today. Last night I said we should all get subs (boyfriend, friend, and I. We are having a sleepover) Morning comes, he leaves with our friend. Before he leaves I ask, as I worry he will forget. ‘do you have your phone? you’re going to check it?’. Yes, he has it and he will, so he can know what my order is (i hadnt decided yet, as they were leaving as i woke up) I message him, it goes unread. I try not to immediately assume he’s already forgotten me, I go about my morning. Turns out our friend messaged me asking if i want anything. (do i want anything?? of COURSE?? im the one that suggested food and the type in the first place?) I keep dnd on for everyone except my boyfriend however. I don’t get many messages anyways, he’s the only one who would NEED to contact me. Twenty minutes go by, still unread. By now I know he forgot. I check for messages on other apps- his friend telling me they got me another food instead. I was so angry and I still am. Ive been sitting here seething all morning. I reply saying that I messaged my partner and how I was dissatisfied about the sub, but I thanked him for the alternative. I get a message from my boyfriend apologizing, offering to go back in and get it. He left his phone in the car. I did not respond.

It’s so small, but I want to scream and yell about it. I want to storm out. Yes, it could have been solved. I am stubborn and I know this. But I am so sick and tired of feeling forgotten. Not acknowledged. Not a priority. He should not have to go back in and take even longer when he should have known what I wanted in the first place. I was literally the one that suggested it! They got to eat theirs, and I’m stuck with something I was not planning on eating (food plans changing is difficult for me as per the autism. its one if my safe foods, but i have to sort of ‘rewire’ my mind for a minute to accept the change and ‘prepare’ to eat xyz instead). Im so angry, I’ve lost my appetite entirely.

One more example. We needed to schedule a vet appointment. That was IT. He hates phone calls, but he offered to do it. I didn’t entirely believe him, but I gave him a chance, as it’s something we talked about in a previous conversation. To not let resentment cause me to assume he wont do the things he says without giving him a chance to prove otherwise. WEEKS go by. At this point, I tell him I will call them, as it NEEDS to be scheduled. If it didn’t affect our pets, I would have left it alone, as I’m sick of picking up his slack. He insists he’ll do it. We have a nice conversation (and at this point yes, i am seeing a pattern). He promises to do it the next morning as its nighttime. I tell him NOT to, as I don’t want more broken promises. He insists. The next day comes and he sheepishly approaches me, asking if i can do it. ‘I don’t know why but I just cant, I’m really sorry’. Again, I am enraged, I am disappointed, honestly my attraction for him dies for the moment, as it does when these things happen. I walk off to the other room and make the call immediately.

Things like this KEEP HAPPENING. For almost two years now. I feel used. I feel as though i have made him too comfortable, as in the beginning of the relationship I would passive aggressively take care of everything as he would NOT clean up our SHARED room at all. So subconsciously, I feel like he got used to not having to be ontop of things. I believe he’s mentioned this being true in the past as well. I feel so lost.

He genuinely is such a wonderful partner when it’s just us in our own little world. But we live in the real world, where I need support and consistency. I worry I will not get this. What am I supposed to tell him? I understand there will be comments saying to leave him, but please, I WANT to fix this. He’s my best friend. My confidant. The funniest guy I know. He’s so kind to me, so loving when I’m feeling broken. But I’m at a loss and i worry we wont ever be on the same page. I don’t want to live my life feeling disappointed.

TL;DR My (20M) partner and I (19NB) have been together for two years. His adhd and depression causes me to take care of most of the load. I am the sole provider. I am resentful after two years of empty promises of improvement. He is working on it but it’s slow going. Im constantly angry with him and disappointed. He procrastinates on things we desperately need done.

How do I approach him and further cement how much I need him to help me? How do I deal with feeling forgotten and dissatisfied in our relationship because of his inattentiveness?