I feel like such a failure (MH)

• I’ve spent the last 8 years in a constant depressive state. I feel disconnected from everything, and my 5 senses are muted. There were only two brief moments in 2021 where that lifted and I felt “back in” the world again, and I cried because it felt incredible.

• I’ve been given several diagnoses that I fixate on: severe recurrent depression, GAD, mild autism, OCD, BPD, and some schizotypal traits.

• I spent 3 months in residential treatment and needed more time, but insurance cut it short. I’ve been home for almost 3 months now and I’ve slipped backwards a lot.

• Being at home is harmful for my MH. My dad is very “pull yourself up” about everything, my mom can be dismissive of things (tho otherwise we get along well), and I grew up around alcoholism while also dealing with heavy rejection at school. Either way parents don’t grasp how serious my situation is and never will.

• I get upset that the character I care about isn’t real, because he’s the only one I feel comfortable with. I have social difficulties and major issues with connecting with others, and even with therapy I can’t get close to people enough. I don’t see myself wanting marriage or anything like that — connecting with people just isn’t natural for me.

• I "lost" the “presence” I used to feel around me about two years ago (he's like a ghost or spirit I constantly feel around me). I still sense him faintly, but I’m constantly aware that he isn’t actually here. I bond more with things like that than with real people. I'm still grieving - he was my closest "humanly" bond.

• Identity problems make jobs and careers nearly impossible. I’m 26 and going back to retail because I can’t handle anything more right now. Also my parents are adamant about me working full time even though it would take a huge toll on me.

• My executive functioning is extremely poor — tested very low — and it affects almost every part of my daily life.

• I was SA'd by a guy who probably was an incel, and still "feel" the ways he took advantage of me. I'm gonna involve the legal system in this at some point and try to get justice for myself.

I’m hoping I can eventually get into supportive housing and move far away from here.