i can physically feel my emotions (vent)

my chest is so heavy and it's so hard not to sit and just cry. i keep trying to think really hard about what might be triggering me to feel this way, and i just can't put my finger on it. i keep missing my meds that i don't even want to take, i'm addicted to nicotine and have no means of funding that addiction, i cannot cut myself. i can't i can't i can't. it makes me want to fucking die how codependant i feel towards literally everything in my life. i have no sense of independence and i still feel like i am 12 years old (i am 20). kill me now. i hate it here. i feel like i will never truly get better, and that i will always cling to something to keep my existence rolling. i wish i enjoyed existence on my own, the sober and healthy way. all i have is drugs and a comfy bed and videogames. i'm such a useless cunt.