Can OCD cause 2yrs transition?

This post is somewhat compulsive, but I am hoping to hear perspectives of people who have been through similar things. My therapist is back in office tomorrow and I will find skills and things to work on as we work together through this.

I transitioned for 2 years with constant doubt. Never got support by family, arguments with mom, told by brother my siblings think I'm going to hell. I would compulsively check my binding, make sure it was flat enough, constantly not feel "man enough", even once I started passing after a year. Every couple of months I would worry about detransition, look up hundreds of videos of detrans experiences to make sure I'm not making a mistake, lament about my feminine hips and bone structure. I was convinced everyone would see me as a mentally ill woman if they knew I was trans, but I compulsively broke stealth to one person at my job (now most of my coworkers know due to this), because I felt like I was lying to them by not telling them I was trans. I would have intrusive thoughts of being beat or raped for being trans, which isn't far off from close friends stories I have witnessed myself in the past. My dad said he was going to "toughen me up" and said that men fight for just looking at each other wrong, but that was never my lived experience (granted, we have much different builds & personalities). My mom says it's okay to just be a masculine woman.

I detransitioned for a year after getting thoughts of womanhood and feeling "stuck", but remained trans at the same job, just grew my hair out. Some people still didn't know I was born female until a week ago (informed via gossip). I would fear my organs dying within my body while on HRT, and getting a period again made me feel relief due to this fear. I do not enjoy periods, but no woman does. It is tolerable. I think I might have body dysmorphia, but the thought of masculinization through the gym makes me excited.

I would dress feminine on my days off, but while the makeup excited me, I immediately fell into a depression. While off work, it was difficult for me to get out of bed and do my makeup or shower until 2-4pm.

A couple of times throughout, I would have thoughts while mentally preparing to dress feminine like, "I'm living a lie", or looking at my past trans photos where I passed and feeling like my family robbed me of transition, or missing having short hair, but I wouldn't allow myself to think about it. I would smoke a lot of weed. A week ago, I saw a blog about transgender repression, the difficulty it is to just get up and do anything, and it felt like all of the signs she stated were what I was actively living. But I don't want to come out to my family and live through that again. In the ideal world, I wouldn't deal with any anxiety over this, and I could live stealth in another state. Nobody would know I am trans. I would feel happy and adequate as a man.

I am supposed to get a haircut today, but I am worried. I don't want to cause myself an identity spiral, even though I am actively sorting through one as I type, even though it's just a haircut. I am worried I will regret the haircut, despite loving shorter hair, that I will be seen as strange by my mom, that things will go south with my mental health.

But as soon as I thought about transition, this depression I've lived through for the past year lifted. I felt excited for the future, far less suicidal, started to work out and start eating. But as the doubt and panic creeps back I feel stuck.

If I am trans, how could I have lived as a girl for a year without problem? If I am not, how did I transition and pass and even like it for 2 years, how is it that I wanted to be so manly for so many years only to turn out a girl? How is it that these desires to be masculine are coming back? Why does my stomach feel twisted when people refer to me as a cis woman? Why do I not care if people call me "he, she, it, wtvr tf?". I do not remember much of my childhood, but I do remember wanting masculine things around 10, 11, 14, and being swayed away by my mom, because those are "boy things". At my first HRT appointment, I asked if they had any precautions against detransition. He said "We believe if you're trans, you're trans". Before being referred to HRT by my therapist, I almost did not go for it due to my fears of detransition, but felt so suicidal transition felt my only option.

In the end, it does not matter if I turn out to be a woman or a man. I just want to be content, to truly feel myself, and to live a happy life.

Has anyone here had a similar experience? I am going to turn to my therapist for this, but I know I am not alone in this. I am just hoping to hear if any of you have been able to heal from gender-OCD, trans or cis, and what that looks like for you now.

I guess my confusion is if I have trans-OCD or detrans-OCD. Theoretically, I should feel better upon transition, but my mind kept finding things to fixate on. When detransitioned, I shut everything down.

Thank you to anyone who shares their personal experience or comments. ❤️