AIO for wanting to go no contact with my parents for their racist comments towards my husband and potentially my brother for advocating for my parents.

Hi everyone. I could really use some outside perspective on this because I feel torn, guilty, and honestly pretty exhausted.

I’m a U.S. citizen, my husband is an immigrant from another country and a different ethnic background. We have two young biracial kids. Over the years, my parents have made multiple racist comments—sometimes subtle, sometimes not—about my husband and his background. When we try to address it calmly, they: • Play the victim • Deny anything was racist • Accuse us of being “too sensitive” • Or start a smear campaign about us to the rest of the family

Whenever they’re angry at one of their adult children, they also tend to twist the story and spread slander to extended family, which makes all of this even harder to navigate.

My husband understandably wants no relationship with them. He’s been patient, tried explaining why certain comments hurt, and has gotten nowhere.

Here’s where my siblings come into it:

My brother hasn’t said anything racist himself, but he thinks the solution is for me to “teach” our parents. He wants me to do a book study with them so I can walk them through why their comments are harmful. The problem? My parents have shown zero desire to learn, grow, or take responsibility. They get defensive at even mild conversations. A book study feels like setting myself up to be attacked while doing all the emotional labor.

It also feels like a way of shifting the responsibility onto me instead of holding them accountable for their behavior. If I don’t do this “book club,” it’s almost implied I didn’t try hard enough.

My sister, on the other hand, thinks I should stay low contact so I don’t “lose the relationship completely.” But that still leaves me dealing with the same disrespect and boundary violations every time they reappear in my life—especially since they spend summers in the state where we live.

Right now we have physical distance because we’re in different states, but next year when they come for the summer, they’ll expect access to my home and my kids. I’m considering not giving them our new address because I don’t trust them to respect boundaries.

I feel torn between: • Protecting my marriage and kids • Not repeating old family patterns • And not wanting to be guilt-tripped or scapegoated

I was raised to believe “family first,” and that cutting contact is unforgivable. But I’m starting to realize that unconditional access is not the same as love.

So I guess my questions are: • Does it make sense that I don’t want to lead a book study with parents who haven’t shown any willingness to self-reflect? • Is low contact enough, or would no contact be healthier? • If extended family asks why I’m pulling back, is it “gossip” if I tell them the truth about the racism and boundary issues? • Am I wrong for wanting distance if they refuse to change?

I feel emotionally drained. I don’t want my kids growing up around subtle racism, and I don’t want my husband to feel unsafe or unwelcome around people who don’t respect him.

Any perspective would help. Thank you for reading.