5 years later I keep dreaming about my abusive ex

Even though it's been so long and in many ways we've both moved on I keep have these recurring dreams.

Some of them are about us going back to normal, how things were in the start, laughing and enjoying ourselves, perfect levels of meant to be. Others are straight out passionate, almost animalistic, sex. Then there are more chaotic ones, with her trashing up the house, breaking glass, slamming doors, screaming at me on the top of her lungs. Last night I had the kind where I'm a "visitor," we run into eachother somehow and it's basically trying to co-exist, I'm mostly quiet in these and just listen to her, almost trying to melt into it all, while she's putting up an overly cute show, like a siren's song. Some of them are more like a roller coaster, going on about it all. Every time I wake up from these I feel emotionally exhausted and it's just like the wound keeps opening again and again and again and I just can't move on.

I went through a very vulnerable phase while we were dating, I guess she did too, and we could either swimmed or sunk... We crashed. I'm talking Titanic levels of "fuck fuck fuck." Imagine mixing an toxingly avoidant person with a toxicly conflictive person. One screams, the other doesn't listen and the volume amps up, and up, and up. Instead of calling it a day you get the cops banging on your door.

I have met other women since but given up alltogether. With some it just feels boring, which my therapist believes is because they feel safe. Others have just gone wrong, once conflict arises or cracks show I just back off... It's just no fun dating with the safety on, it's like constantly looking around corners for the monsters to come. Doesn't help either that I am the way I am, hence I prefer being alone.

So yeah. These dreams go on not daily but several times a week even though in my day to day she doesn't occupy any minds pace at all. These dreams are just driving me nuts to the point I've even considered I may carry some kind of curse. Which feels ridiculous.