One of the worst years of my life

I am 27F, and I am reaching my absolute limit. I started the year alright, but months of intense trauma have pushed me to the point of contemplating self-harm. My problems have come in relentless succession without any break like a cruel joke being played.

First, I faced profound personal betrayals: a best friend repeatedly joked about my past trauma, shattering my already fragile trust. Soon after, I discovered my ex, who I thought was the love of my life, was emotionally cheating on me while we were planning to meet, which confirmed a pattern of narcissistic abuse. This betrayal made it agonizing to open up to loved ones, and I now feel intense shame and disgust when I try. On top of this, I discovered my father is cheating on my mother again, and I was given the impossible task of "fixing" their marriage.

Next came the professional stress: I left my job of four years due to health issues and struggled through three months of brutal job hunting. I finally found a new role, but I was suddenly terminated after only two months when my evaluator failed me without proper feedback. During this short period, some coworkers bullied me, assuming I was “rich and pretty” and “above them”, making me feel deeply rejected. This swift, disposable termination was traumatic and took a massive hit to my self-esteem, especially since I found out others who made mistakes were passed anyway. I feel utterly incompetent, and subsequent job rejections are now demoralizing. This is compounded by the fact that I don’t have money for therapy anymore, as all the money I have left goes to bills and hospital treatments for a recent accident.

All this stress has caused my mental health to rapidly regress. I am diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and C-PTSD, and I suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD. I have become afraid of people; I dissociate, struggle to speak coherently, and cannot register new information. I avoid social interactions and fear being a burden or being betrayed again. I honestly no longer feel like myself. I have no joy or drive left. It’s December now, and I’m terrified I might end this entire awful year without a single moment of joy, or worse, that I’ll end it dead. I do not want to kill myself, but I genuinely cannot wait for my own heart to give up and for me to die in my sleep.