I stayed in an abusive relationship solely because of the fantasy version of him my younger self made up in her head. Need some advice on forgiving myself

I had a secret crush on him from 2018–2020. We were classmates but barely spoke in real life; we weren’t close at all. I built a fantasy version of him in my head because he was one of the first boys I texted after getting a phone. He didn’t even know I liked him. It was pure projection, not based on anything real. He dated someone else in 2020 and I moved on.

We reconnected in June 2023. I admitted my past feelings with no intention to date, but he flirted, made me believe we were exclusive, and we started something. He secretly cheated with his “girl best friend” from June 2023 to May 2024. From June 2024 to June 2025 he disrespected me constantly. Things were briefly calm in July–August. After he left for his master’s, secrecy about new female friends broke trust again. October was nonstop disrespect, and I ended it.

He came back in early November (right before exams), promised change, behaved well for one month, then went straight back to being dismissive and hurtful once exams ended. I left for good. After that, even a polite reply from me made him accuse me of wanting him back and tell me to leave him alone—zero accountability. Any remaining respect died then.

I regret not leaving sooner. In mid-2023 he sent disturbing content that scared me In August 2023 when I had no idea he was cheating on me with his girl bestfriend and he said "I will not be ok if you ask me to stop talking to my girl bestfriend", and even made comments about harming my cat.

Moreover. His guy bestfriend supported him cheating, and also tried to ruin my first relationship by flirting when I requested him not to flirt. His guy bestfriend's then-girlfriend commented rude things on my post back in 2020, that took me a lot of effort. His girl bestfriend asked him to date her instead knowing that we were dating. His friends supported the cheating, and his circle has always lacked basic decency — which I ignored.

What kept me stuck was clinging to what my 18-year-old self dreamed of: dating the fantasy version of him. The reality was a manipulative, selfish person not suited for a relationship at all.