Former elders- did your viewpoint of the org change when you were appointed an elder? Did anything about being an elder make you feel something was wrong?

The more I learn about what being an elder is like, the more horrendous it sounds. If I were a man and I were appointed an elder, I don't think my conscience could handle it for long.

All the secrets they keep from the congregation, all the stress they're under, and all the judgements they have to hand down when they know they don't have divine inspiration or any special insight. Like, how extreme of a narcissist do you have to be in order to be comfortable in this position? Do they really believe they are qualified to speak on things like addiction, mental health issues, any and all marital problems, or child abuse?

How could they think that threatening some lowly publisher with shunning is going to cure their drug problem, or even help them get spiritually healthy? How can they expect a shepherding visit to be enough to make someone with depression want to show up to the meetings every week? And how dare they think that the right way to handle an accusation of molestation is to say there should have been another witness to the crime before they do anything about it?

I just don't get it. Again, if I were a man, the second I was made an elder and learned there is a secret fucking elder's manual that NO ONE ELSE in the congregation even knows exists, I would have lost it. I would never feel comfortable in my own skin as a JW again.

Former elders, how did it feel to you? Bonus points if this helped wake you up.