My life is falling apart

Not really sure how to start this, or even how to put my feelings into words really, but I just really want to get this off my chest. Me (19f) and my mum (48f) have always been really close, I’m talking absolute best friends. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her and she’s the same for me. My whole life, she’s been my entire world- it’s always just been me and her against everything. In September, she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and since then, my life has been a blur. I’ve suffered with OCD and anxiety ever since I can remember, and my main obsession has always been making sure my mum is okay and nothing bad happens to her. This is literally my worst fear coming true, and I’m so terrified to ever have to live in a world without her- I genuinely don’t think I could. She’s been amazing and you really wouldn’t be able to tell there’s anything wrong with her, but I’m just so scared.

I’m in my second year of university and I’m really struggling to keep up. I’m doing everything I can but worrying about my mum is consuming my entire being. To make matters worse, I’m supposed to be going on my year abroad next year, and I’m worried about how all of that will pan out. As of now, I can’t see myself going, but I don’t want to pull out and risk my degree, and I know it’s not what my mum wants for me either. I thought about taking a leave of absence, but my course has been discontinued (as in no future intake after my year), so I wouldn’t be able to go back to my course afterwards.

As for other family members/friends- my dad is a waste of time. He’s emotionally absent and I haven’t even seen him in almost a year. He could be another post entirely to be honest, but the most important thing is that he has never been here for me and continues to let me down now. Many of my oldest friends haven’t bothered checking on me since all of this happened, and actually my best friends throughout the past few months have been the girls I met at uni, who I’m so grateful for. My boyfriend of 5 years moved abroad almost a month ago for school. We knew this was going to happen before my mum was diagnosed but now it’s happened on top of it, I feel so lost. He is my rock but it’s so hard not having him here, particularly when my friends live further away and I don’t really get to see them. He comes back for a few weeks at Christmas, but it’s just such awful timing and I miss him so much, particularly since we don’t get to speak loads anymore.

There’s more I could say but I haven’t even got the energy to keep talking about it. To be honest, it feels like life is playing a sick joke on me- the one thing I’ve always worried about is happening to me, and it’s just been compounded by all these other things. I need my mum and nothing else in this world matters more.