I don't understand myself

This is a part from my diary I wrote a few days ago. I never liked the idea of writing diary, let alone sharing it on the internet, but I am willing to try this. Animosity of internet also helps a lot in this case. I am still young, if anyone has felt like this or if yo have something to say, please reply. I am open to review.

"I don't know who I am, I don't know my own thoughts, I don't have much opinion on myself, I am so so unsure of myself. I can have any ideology I want, but I don't know what I want. I criticize myself, but if I want I could adore myself. I could support or hate anything I want, its as if I don't have a side, it is as if I am deciding if I will take this or that side. 

For example:

I feel so emotionally needy but at the same time emotionally dead and absent. I feel others' pain but I also can choose to not feel them. I love friends but I am not attached to them. I want vulnerability but I never will give it. I feel the need for a person but I also feel all powerful and like I don't want anyone. 

I get the emotions I want, I feel sad because I want to and because it burns me and I enjoy and romanticize the pain, I could feel better if I wished. I don’t have emotions, I only make them up. I see myself as a third person, I am someone, I look at myself and think if I need to feel something. 

If someone were to become my best friend, as many have before, I would love them, but I also feel unattached, I could say goodbye at any instant, they are just a person I think that I am still me if they go. I only care about them because I think I should not because of love. 

Same with parents, they are closest to me and I have utmost care for them, but only because I believe it is my duty to care, I don't think that I have an actual connection. I am the only person I feel connected to.

Is it the same for everyone, or do people really actually feel? Do people actually have emotions without forming them? Do people actually love someone?

Even after all this thought and I could argue with myself that it is not all true if I start to believe otherwise. If I decide that I want to feel and not make emotions, that would just make me stop thinking about my emotions, they would still be made up but just with less attention and then I would think that those are real emotions. What are emotions?

Since my childhood, some of my deepest emotions are anger, vengeance and duty, but those three are also disconnected from me. I feel angry but I can sit and calmly think about my anger and why it is and I could decide to remove it or bring it back or increase it. I don't even have original anger.

I have written so much and I feel like I have wasted my precious time doing what dumb people do, talking about thoughts and emotions. "

Maybe I will soon delete this post.