My (43M) first breakup

Short backstory: I’ve always dated monogamously. I was married for 15 years. A couple LTRs in between now and my teen years. I never facilitated the breakups. Maybe I was scared to. Maybe I was happy and ignorant. It hurt like hell each time.

I’ve been in consistent therapy the past four years. Major issues resolved. But I stay in it because it’s fun to learn about myself.

About four months ago I allowed myself to start dating again, after taking a year off. 2.5 months ago I started dating a woman I really liked. She’s funny, full of energy, emotionally mature and cute. The one thing we didn’t have was that “spark”. I decided to go for it anyway … I mean, hell, the last time I felt a spark the relationship was extremely toxic. So a spark isn’t a guarantee of success. And maybe I was confusing the spark for instability… that was a theory at the time. So, I asked this girl if she wanted to be committed to each other and she said yes. No drama. Good, easy times with an occasional mini-red flag that I’ve noted but not hung on to.

While I chose to forge ahead without this “OMG” spark, I’ve learned that the spark is something I need. And here’s why …

She’s 32. I’m 43. Initially, the overall attraction was strong. She’s cute. Not “oh, he’s only with her cause she’s hot” cute. Frankly, physically she’s not as attractive as others I’ve dated. But looks aren’t everything. And I’d take cute-but-stable any day over hot-but-crazy.

I really enjoyed the energy she created. Her emotional maturity is quite high and I really like that. But as time went on, I felt our life experiences and conversation was rather limited. It’s not an emotional maturity gap. If anything I’d say she’s more emotionally mature than I am. It just comes down to where we are in life and the things that I want. I want to be able to travel. I make a good living and have one kid. She works but only part-time. I pay for all our meals, I buy her groceries, and I do it because I can and I know she’s in debt and I like helping her out. BUT I don’t have the kind of income that could support both of us to do these kind of things and pay for my daughter’s college.

She’s happy with the status quo in her career and I have larger ambitions. She’s intelligent but her brain is wired for different things that aren’t particularly important to me. For example, she’s got an eye for art and she exposes me to new perspectives but it’s just not something I’m interested in.

She’s younger than me and still into the rave/festival scene and I have never been. In this regard she’s still not quite as mature as I’d ideally like. But one of these on their own isn’t a deal breaker.

I continue to think about the good things and then evaluate the things that aren't working for me. But ultimately, I feel like it's just an exercise in me trying to justify staying or going when my gut is telling me that this just isn't working for me. At least not at this point in time. And the guilt of leaving is probably what's keeping me around more than anything.

I have brought up a couple things but ultimately the parts that aren’t working for me are things she can’t do anything about and they are aspects that I thought I could ignore or wait out but realize I just can’t.

Frankly, at the end of the day I’m just missing the chemistry. I know to some that sounds lame but if you’ve experienced that kind of “love at first sight” chemistry then you know where I’m coming from. And as silly as it may sound, my hopeless romantic heart wants that still. Chemistry is extremely important to me. And it’s flat out missing since day one. (Reasons why I ignored it already given above)

All of this to say that I like this woman. She’s cool. But it’s not working for me and I absolutely hate that I just can’t get my heart and mind to fall in line. It makes me sick to hurt her but I know I have to do this because it’ll be worse the more this drags on. And after the hell I’ve been through with a diagnosed NPD ex-wife and then a LTR with someone with CPTSD, I’m trying to listen to my mind (and therapist) rather than forcing myself to stay in a relationship just to not hurt someone else.

TLDR; Relationships are hard. Adulting is hard. Chemistry is missing. Not a cop-out but a real thing. Therapy is working.