Feeling depleted after my autism assessment

I’ve had two appointments so far in the autism assessment process. The first one involved a lot of activities that were uncomfortable, and the second focused on my developmental history, looking at my childhood and growing up.

I did my best to just be honest in both, but the developmental assessment was really hard. The assessor asked a lot of questions about my early years that I honestly didn’t have answers for. I grew up in a household with a physically and emotionally abusive dad, and a mum who was mostly focused on work and not very emotionally present. I still have a relationship with my mum, so I asked her some questions about my early years before the assessment, but the problem is, she fundamentally disagrees with autism diagnoses for people like me (in her eyes, people who don’t “look” autistic - to be clear I don’t agree with this sentiment). She has invalidated my feelings for my whole life, and most of the exhaustion and burnout I experienced as an adult came from constantly suppressing my feelings and anxieties growing up because of this.

The information my mum gave me basically described me as a “perfect child”, perfectly sociable, made great eye contact, very smart, a bit quiet. I relayed this to the assessor, but she said it wasn’t enough, and I couldn’t answer a lot of her questions about things like milestones and cognitive understanding when I was a child. She suggested my mum fill out a questionnaire, but I explained that it’s difficult because her account of my childhood doesn’t match my own experiences, and that she also fundamentally disagrees with autism diagnoses for people like me.

Because of this, the assessor said we could leave the questionnaire for my mum blank, but emphasised that it’s difficult to discuss a potential diagnosis without the full picture of my childhood, as they need to show it’s been a lifelong difficulty. I feel like I explained clearly that I’ve struggled since I was a child, but apparently that’s not enough. She asked if I had anyone else who has known me since I was a child, but I don’t have anyone who knows me that well, only my husband. He has to fill out another form because she said his responses weren’t detailed enough.

I’m 30, so I guess it’s not the end of the world if I don’t get a formal diagnosis, but I feel really depleted. Maybe it’s the realisation that absolutely nobody in my childhood or teenage years understood what I was really feeling and the fact I have carried this for so long by myself. I have felt different my whole life and spent so long trying to act ‘typically’ to meet everyone else’s expectations. Now, it feels like I’m not going to be believed because I don’t have anyone who can prove it.

Sorry I’m rambling, I guess I just don’t know how to feel right now