bi-curious at middle age

Hi Bi-Reddit. I'm trying to sort some things out and get some advice and I've been lurking on here for a while and reading through other people's experiences but I finally felt the need to post my own. This is really long, for that I apologize. Hopefully it's not horrifically dull. But feel free to skip it entirely. I'll try to do a TL;dr

I'm a middle aged man, divorced, with kids. While I've always considered myself straight, I had some experimentation in my youth (oral but not sex) that clued me into the fact I didn't hate same sex encounters. And I never had any shame or regret about those encounters either. I did not grow up religious and very early on found same sex relationships a no brainer - including gay marriage. I'm not sure if there was a solid bi-sexual part of me then, or if it was just normal empathy and the normal human ability to understand people different than me.

But - for the most part I didn't desire any new same sex encounters. Once I started dating girls, I was entirely focused on the female side. And I LOVED women intensely. Early girlfriends, short flings, my wife, and others. I've had lots of crushes - celebrity and otherwise. A woman's physical appearance can take my breath away, or I can get lost in a conversation with a woman that then turns into intense physical and psychological attraction.

I don't have the same feelings or attraction to men. Mostly. I can't think of any conversations I've had with a man that I thought "I'd kind of like to blow him." And I've never had any near miss encounters with a man or even outright flirtation. I dress and present like a fairly schlubby straight man. There was just one time back in college where a gay man said "The jury is still out on you." Because he got a vibe. And I didn't argue.

Now - I have been divorced for 10 years and have had no other relationships since. I occasionally will pay for a woman's time (I hope that's not horribly shocking or disgusting to people - I stick with those I know are independent and consenting adults), as I prefer the simplicity and honesty of that transactional relationship. It's so much safer. I decided to focus on my kids and career after a disastrous relationship that ended my marriage - and I wanted off the whole psychological roller coaster of tying my happiness to the emotional well being of another person.

I actually went out to drinks with a woman I had gotten to know and did not realize she considered it a date. When I learned that, I almost literally ran away and never saw her again. And we stopped talking because I think she was embarrassed and felt she'd wasted her time.

Anyway - because my sex life has become entirely "Self generated" I began to dabble in some prostate stuff. After having a couple of mind blowing climaxes this way - I noticed something else. A psychological shift was happening - and I think opening up parts of me that maybe had been long dormant. For one, I started to have fantasies about my early homosexual activity. I found myself wishing I had done more. I even stalked the poor guy on Facebook (I've not seen him in more than 30 years).

But my issue was - that was the only thing I found arousing. That encounter. Which, by the way, was not romantic at all. It was a bit of "let's use each other like girls." Though, it did grow a little bit more intimate and then we broke it off entirely, and never referenced it again. But there was the mental aspect of anal penetration with toys that I liked - the sensation of "being fucked." And not pegged by a woman either - I wanted someone to explode with pleasure inside me, while gripping onto me.

But the idea of being intimate with a man, while not repulsive, just didn't "do it" for me - the way it does with a woman. I don't like hairy bodies, I don't really appreciate the male form - it doesn't get me aroused the way a woman's can.

At least... that's how it was. I wanted to stay open to this idea because, I guess I just like new things. And I've had this feeling of "something missing" for a while now. In my previous relationships I had liked being "the man" - the provider, the protector, the "fixer." I am fairly dominant in bed, and have been told by most of my lovers that I'm quite good (even the ones I pay for, shocking that they would compliment a paying client...) But I think it's mostly because I get turned on by the pleasure of others, so my "giving nature" as a partner is sort of also selfish? I'm not really sure how the dynamics of that play out... my point is it does not feel like some altruistic act. I'm getting what I want too.

My point of sharing that is that this idea of "getting fucked" feels so contradictory to my entire romantic and sexual identity. Except of course this idea of giving pleasure. Because my thinking has now spread from "being fucked" to being held after sex. To lying on someone's chest and looking up at them. To feeling their strength as opposed to their suppleness and fragility.

But I also don't like a lot about the male identity. I've had female friends more than male friends because I find men can be so annoying. Alpha male, primate shit bugs me. I don't like sports at all. But I still like "manly" men who don't need all of that, but are strong and capable and stoic. Maybe I just don't like straight men?

I'm just wondering if such a large shift can happen this late in life. To go from only relationships with women and obsession over female sexuality - to actually wanting sex with men and possibly even more. I've read about a lot of bisexual guys who just have sex with men, and don't desire anything more. For some reason that makes more sense to me. At least if you're going to be bisexual - but the way I'm feeling seems almost like split personalities. it's a little disconcerting. Like a sexual identity crisis.

Okay - that all being said - I don't know what to DO about any of it. I'm presently not very "presentable" to either sex in terms of desirability. I've gained weight, I haven't exercised since Covid. I don't "manscape" really at all. I've never used any dating apps, but I understand what women like and want. I have ZERO clue what a man would want from me. And I don't want to embarrass myself by being a 50 year old virgin. I really don't know if I can handle trying to put myself out there only to see a man be disappointed when he sees me. And I also don't want to offend anyone if I have a strong adverse reaction or some sort of shocking post-nut clarity. I've had a few shocking moments with that (like hooking up with an ex).

So... what do I do? I just don't know the best next step here.

Thanks for listening / reading all my ramblings.

TLDR: So... I've been in straight relationships my whole life, but now I've been closed off to any real intimacy with women (or anyone) for almost 10 years. I don't date. I did have some early homosexual encounters in my youth that I liked. So now I'm questioning if I want to have sex with men, and possibly even something emotional - and if that's even possible for me. I don't know what to do next. Any thoughts would be so much appreciated.