wishes for a fearful avoidant

N – I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to make you feel like you could stay. I didn't understand you as well as I wanted to until you were already overwhelmed; by the time I learned how to communicate with you better, it was already too late.

I found a profile I'm almost certain is you. I want to message you so badly. I've obsessed over what I could possibly say and when would be the right time to say it so I wouldn't scare you off again. Something to let you know that I'm still safe. That you don't have to lose me if you don't really want to. That's my anxious side, wanting to preserve a connection that made me feel wanted and secure, because I know you never meant to hurt me.

The tiny nagging avoidant side of me that wants to protect my sanity says it's better to let it go, so I can mentally cradle the possibility that you regret your snap decision and just couldn't find me again. If I message you and you don't reply, that microscopic little bubble of comfort will finally burst for good.

But even if I never reach for you again.. I hope more than anything that you're okay. That things are easy for you. That you'll be able to heal from whatever you experienced that made the idea of someone caring for you feel overwhelming instead of comforting.

I hope you knew how I felt about you. I hope you learn to believe that you're worthy of being loved. I hope you smile every day, and laugh all the time. I hope your new job is amazing. I hope your dog lives forever.

I hope someday you'll be so unbelievably happy, and that your life is always full of people who love you.

I hope you get everything you ever wanted. Even if I still sometimes wish it was me.