My mom's suicide in 2021 has ruined my life.

26 years old, lost my mom at 22 in May of 2021. I am never happy anymore, therapy and medication don't work, my life is just fundamentally shit, and my mom killing herself has only made it so, so much worse. I am still regularly losing sleep over it 4 years later.

My job involves a lot of walking with not much else to do for a few hours at the end, and in that time, I have nothing to do but ruminate on how she is dead, and how big of a piece of shit I feel like not being there for her. She sent me a text just 3 days before she did it, but not to my brother or dad. I was moved out because I basically ran away at 19 like the piece of shit I am, and my mom wanted me back so bad, but I downplayed it.

I am tired, done with everything, I don't give a fuck about anything anymore. Nothing is fun or interesting anymore.

I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate this shit pointless nihilistic existence, then you just die and you are dead forever. Totally pointless.