Can I vent…?

I’m just going to let this all out and none of this is anything I’ve really said out loud.

I’m an aging HS. I think it started as a coping mechanism to replace intimacy I wasn’t receiving from my parents as a child, nothing trauma related just neglect. For most of my life I kept it contained and was pretty moral about it, I never cheated on anyone or anything like that. I’m married to a low touch avoidant person and honestly aside from that part I’m satisfied. It usually manifested itself in CONSTANT porn and masturbation. Like 3 times a day minimum every day up until about my late 30s, sometimes up to 6-7 times a day.

Fast forward to about year 40 and I got myself in really good shape, although I wouldn’t have known it. I started posting random nsfw things on Reddit and it was affirming and validating to get that attention because honestly I’d never gotten it before. Turns out a lot of people are into me, that’s cool. After that is spiraled into chatting with people and then eventually a lot of Domming all sorts of people. I’m 6’5 and in sort of a gym bro dad shape and turns out that’s exactly the kind of person lots of people want to say mean nasty horrible thing to them and do their bidding while they and I get off. It got to the point where it was all consuming, men and women, some of them extremely hot. We could get into the whole psychology of this because I find it fascinating. I was Domming doctors, lawyers, executives, military people, huge super hot bodybuilders the whole gammit and apparently I was good at it. After that though I feel like it rewired my brain, like I got it all out of my system. There’s a certain point where Domming someone turns into the same script with the same results. I definitely flooded my brain in dopamine and now things are skewed.

So that along with aging and the changing of my hormones etc I don’t get the same thing out of my HS, it’s sort of been muted. Great you think, this is what I want. The issue is that it’s been so intertwined with my personality and self worth that I don’t even know what I am anymore. Am I not HS? Do I need to just cool off and it will come roaring back? If I’m not HS what fills the void? Why stay in shape? Why try? It’s been a real mind fuck for me.

Anyways, thanks for attending my TedTalk.