Feeling proud today.

I quit in June and went through the motions of wishing to relapse, depression, withdrawal symptoms, etc. I had been on and off quitting for about 3 years now, using for about 7.

The other day I was cleaning out all my drawers and found two full containers of 8ths. I remember spiraling one time looking for these containers, thinking I was crazy that they were gone. And I found them.

I was in the middle of a decluttering project with my kid playing animal crossing in the background. I couldn’t focus anymore. I couldn’t hear her when she told me about her new achievement. I couldn’t fold clothes anymore. I was just stuck in this box in my mind, asking myself, can I use this later?

First I texted husband if he wanted it and he told me he doesn’t need it so he trusts my judgement.

Then I texted my pothead neighbor if he could take this off my hands. He didn’t answer me and it was giving me major anxiety. Something was telling me that this should at least be used.

Finally I told my sister and she said just dump it. She said it so callously that I didn’t consider it at first.

But as each excruciating minute grew into an hour, two hours. As I tried to act fine during tuck in time for my kids, as I forced myself to put the rest of the clothes away, I finally had the night to myself.

I had paper somewhere. A grinder that i forgot to throw away. I kept opening it and smelling it, smelling it, smelling it.

And I did it.

I dumped it in the toilet. I forgot how sticky it can be so I couldn’t have the thematic toss out, I had to dig it out with my fingers. I did it with my eyes clothes while I sat on the toilet after having just peed. Closing my eyes, saying to myself, “I’m just on the toilet, there’s nothing else going on.” And I wiped, got up, flushed and said “See all I did was use the toilet, nothing special happened.”

The reason I did was because as soon as I found it, my evening was ruined. I couldn’t concentrate on my project, I couldn’t hear out my kid, I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t feel good. Before I even opened the container, it had a pull on me that took me away from everything that was in front of me.

I did definitely have dreams of smoking for about 3 nights after. I did definitely feel some moments of regret. But I did not die without it and without it, I could live exactly how I wanted to.