I feel like she just wants validation

Background: Me (29HLM) and my wife (29LLF) have been in a dead bedroom for about 2 years now, a little over 1 year of that with zero sex, and the rest with very infrequent sex (once every 1-3 months)

I’m struggling…

It’s the classic example of: when she bends down in front of me and I slap her ass, she gets annoyed. But then next time if she bends down in front of me and I do nothing, it’s “no ass slap? do you hate me?”

It’s hard. I find myself going through phases. I truly do want to show my wife affection. But often times I get the feeling that she just wants the validation of me “wanting her” only for her to reject me. Meanwhile if I’m not oogling over her, it’s also a problem.

I’ve expressed this concern to her on numerous occasions. The fact that her attitude toward me just feels like pure rejection and that it’s really affecting my mental health. She claims that she understands and that she’s sorry for doing that to me, but then nothing changes.

I feel like I’m stuck between two options:

A) show my affection toward her, make her feel wanted and desired, but get rejected at every turn and feel undesired myself.

B) consciously hold back my affection, something I obviously don’t want to do, in order to protect myself from the feeling of rejection. But as a result, make her feel less desirable and, in some cases, break down in tears because she thinks I no longer love her (this has happened numerous times).