What is friendship/relationship to you ?

I just turned 22, and I’m getting tired of pretending to be friends with people just to fit in. I do everything I can for them, and everyone thinks I’m a nice person who’s always happy, but I don’t have any other expressions that i think are socially acceptable.

I don’t understand friendship; I see pretty much everyone equally. Someone I’ve known for 10 years feels just as replaceable as someone I met today. I don’t hate anyone, but I simply can’t form ‘friendships.’

I was in a relationship with the same girl from around 16 to 21, and what hurt me most about the breakup wasn’t losing her it was losing the habits and routines we built together. Now I’m not even sure if I’m capable of loving, because it feels like I just don’t like my daily routines being disrupted.

I hope no one feels they way I feel but would love to know if there any of you that feel similarly.

Also sorry if this sounds like a meltdown im just curious.