A Young Person's Unoriginal View On Religion

Hi everyone, I hope you’re doing well. I had an “idea” that “came” to me a couple nights ago at 1am during my panic attack. Is this idea original? Most likely not. I haven’t actually searched it up yet. I’m kinda scared. It feels almost illegal to think this way. Well, I feel like writing. I want to give my all in this post. It’s going to be long. I hope it will resonate with someone. Allow me to give you context on who I am. 

I am a born and raised Muslim. I am an online student who’s currently failing. Because I have so much time to procrastinate, I think a lot. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Because I think a lot, I tend to procrastinate on my school work, which is leading me to fail. Whatever, I plan on dropping out. Anyway, I think a lot about life, its meaning, death, and what comes after. It’s caused me to think I’m insane. Maybe it’s because I barely talk to anyone except my family members. Well, I’ve been doubting my religion. I’ve been doubting my belief in Allah and Islam. I have been doing so for years. I think you can tell I have absolutely no one to talk to about this, because I have resorted to Reddit out of all places. I have a therapist, but they're Muslim, so I can’t bring up my doubts. I always sugarcoat things when I talk to them. But it’s okay. I have one way to express myself, and that’s through writing. I don’t talk like this in real life. I never know how to express my thoughts out loud. I always stumble on my words and freeze up. But when I write, I almost can’t stop. Let’s go back to the night a couple nights ago.

I woke up, but I just laid there. I started thinking about what would happen to me if a man broke into my house and murdered everyone. Or what if I lived alone, and someone followed me back to my apartment. You know, stupid shit like this. I was watching true crime the previous day. Then, a scarier thought came up. What would happen after death? Then, I started to think about Allah. I haven’t prayed in a long time. Am I doomed to Hell? I decided to sit up, turn my lamp on, and start writing. As I was writing, I started to write about this “idea” and went down a spiral. I’m going to paste parts of my journal entry here. I will leave some things out. I will do some small edits. Some paragraphs may not seem relevant to my argument/idea, but I think it's important for you to get more context on what I've been going through. It will help you understand why I'm even thinking this way. I want feedback; positive, neutral, or negative. Let me know what you think. You may think I’m completely delusional, and that’s fine. I’ve only lived a couple years anyway. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

11/27/2025

I need to stop watching scary videos. I’m so paranoid right now. I’m safe. I’m okay. I’m so scared of death. I’m going to die. My family will die. I hate love. It’s making me so scared. I hate being scared. I can’t do this anymore. I’m so scared. I wish I could believe in the afterlife. But then I would be fearing Hell. That’s even scarier than nothing at all. I need to calm down. Death is inevitable. It’s okay. My family will be fine. I will be fine. After our lives are over, we’ll rest in peace. But what if Allah [God] is real? My family will be okay. I won’t be. I think God wants to scare me to death. He should be comforting me. He should be telling me I’m a good person and He’ll never send me there. But Allah will throw good people in Hell. If you’re not Muslim, you’re a goner, you’re nothing, you’re worthless. Allah will consider none of the good because “you rejected the idea of the Creator” or some shit like that. I’m a goner. I’m nothing. I’m worthless. I wish God wasn’t a real thing. I can never love Him. That means I’m doomed to Hell. There’s no escape. I don’t want to go to Heaven. I just want to be non-existent. But God will never give me that.

I hope He understands. I tried brainwashing myself multiple times. But my anxiety overwhelmed me. So I left. Now my anxiety is overwhelming me even more. Should I go back? But I’ll never fully believe. I’ll be faking all of my worship and love to God so He won’t send me to Hell. He’ll know that I’m faking. Then, He’ll send me to Hell. Why is Hell a thing I’m supposed to fear 24/7? I want someone to explain this to me. Hell should only be for bad people. I’m a good person. I should have nothing to fear. Of course I’m not perfect. I’ve done some fucked up things. But I’m not a fucked up person. I don’t want to go to Hell. God, help me not be scared anymore. Help me stop hating you. Help me love you so I’m in the safe zone. Or at the very least, please don’t send my family to Hell. They’re good people. I’m the fucked up one. I’m the crazy one. I lie to my therapist all of the time. Even if I didn’t, they wouldn’t be able to help me. I’m the type of person you can’t help. I’m too far gone. I wish someone could read this. They’ll see how crazy I am. 

No one deserves this pain. I don’t deserve this. That’s one thing I don’t doubt anymore. Not even a little. I don’t deserve this at all. 

You know, I wish I could make up my own interpretation of God. If He’s real, then He loves good, kind people. He only throws bad people in Hell. That would give me some peace. But then, why create us in the first place? Perhaps God is like an artist. Humans are a work of art. Except, some of His works of art are absolute shit, so He throws them in the garbage, which is Hell. With His favorite works of art, however, He cherishes them and puts them on display, which is Heaven. Except, in real life, artists don’t throw away any work of art because it’s art. They find beauty and meaning in every work of art, even if it’s just paint splattered on a canvas. So, that viewpoint of God doesn’t make sense. If He’s an artist, every human should have beauty and meaning. Except, that’s not true. We are living works of art. Some of us are absolutely horrible and deserve to be in Hell. Then why create us? Why create alive and hideous works of art if you were going to throw them away anyway? Why make your favorite works of art suffer? It doesn’t make sense. God, are you doing this for fun? Do you get a kick out of this? 

I have another thought. Our perception of God is false. All of the religions here today are false. Think about it. Doesn’t a place of burning fire sound like a human idea? Fire is a “worldly” thing after all. And doesn’t a place of pure bliss also sound too human? If God is real, then we cannot fathom anything He does. We will never be able to understand it because every single thought, opinion, idea, and belief is human. Why do you think religion and philosophy isn’t a one-size fits-all? They are all human ideas, and as humans, we don’t agree with every idea. Let me try to give you an example. If God is the Most Just, then we can never fathom the reward and the punishment. One could argue that even though we have a basic understanding of Heaven (pure bliss) and Hell (blazing fire), we will never be able to fathom the feeling of these things. I partially agree with that. Except, we can’t even have a basic understanding of it. This makes God understandable. This makes God’s ideas sound human. And God, if He’s real, is not human. Do you ever think that our perception of justice is too black-and-white? Punishment and reward. Hell and Heaven. One could argue that these places have different levels for different “types” of people. But Hell and Heaven are still one place. And no human is the exact same. Similar, yes, but never the same. Is it fair to group a type of people to one level if each individual is different in some way? Perhaps each individual will have their “own level”. But prison is still one place (or idea), even with different punishments. Unless, this idea of Heaven and Hell are human. What if God has a whole different idea of what we call “justice”? One that we cannot, and never will be able to, fathom? 

I wonder if anyone out there would understand what I’m saying. No one in my life would. I’m not sure if this goes for everybody, but when there’s an idea that you simply refuse to understand or believe because it goes against your moral compass, well, then you’ll never even try to understand it. Maybe because it’s impossible. 

Death is a worldly concept. It’s the one thing that every single person believes in. We see death happen every single day. But what happens after death is unknown. Maybe even unfathomable. We don’t know what non-existence was like. But it may be a bit comforting to think we go back to the same place we came from, which was nothing. We weren’t anything. Or were we something? We don’t know. I think what happens after death is unfathomable. No matter how many ideas we think up, they are all human ideas. Whether God is real or not, these ideas are still human. 

Now that I think of it, maybe “God” is a human concept as well. If “God” or a higher power really exists, then we don’t know who or what it is. He may not be who we think He is. Our perception of God is a human perception because we’re human. 

I changed my mind. If Heaven is a real concept, then I want to go there. I would like to see my family again after I die.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This was my entry from a couple nights ago. I'm not sure if this is my "answer". I still have doubts. But I will say, I feel a lot less scared. I hope this helps someone. Even if it doesn't, I hope someone reads this. That will mean a lot to me. Thank you for reading. I really appreciate your time. ❤