My boyfriend has been tiring.

We’ve been dating for a while, and we had already broken up before, but we got back together because he said he was going to change. Everything has been really difficult, and there have been fights because of his ex. I know it comes from insecurity, but he has already said really hurtful things to me involving her. I also found out that, when we broke up, he wanted to be with her; a few months ago, he even told me that he thought about her during an intimate moment between us. After that, he apologized, making it clear recently that he doesn’t feel anything for her anymore and that it only happened once; he knew he was wrong and took responsibility.

But I also caught him recently sending one of our teacher’s stories to his friend group with a message under it saying “d44nm” Right after that, in the same group, they were sharing videos that clearly aren’t something someone in a serious relationship should be enjoying. Obviously, I got mad, but then he becomes defensive, even though he knows he’s wrong.

I wish I could feel anger or sadness without worrying that he might run away because things are hard. We’ve already talked about this, he knew it was a boundary and even repeated it, and now I’m facing the same problem we had in our first breakup. It irritates me, I can’t rest or stop thinking about it. I wish I didn’t have to deal with any of this for a moment, but apparently, if I leave things in his hands, nothing will get better. I think he doesn’t understand how close we are to the end — or maybe he does understand and just doesn’t care, I don’t know, I’m just tired. I know I’m still here by my own choice; maybe I’m making a mistake.