Looking for validation/other experiences

When I came out of inpatient care, I was ok for a couple weeks and then even with outpatient care, it took awhile for me to stabilize enough to remain calm through the chaos my brain is in almost every day even now.

As a little kid, my escape was to fantasize about having a big family. All I wanted was a husband to protect and love me and a bunch of kids to give love to in all the ways I never had.

I think a huge part of my DID surrounds this. I had our last baby last year, and then my husband got a vasectomy. I thought I was happy to be done with that chapter, but then after my mental breakdown I was so extremely distraught that my husband had gotten a vasectomy (I encouraged him to before. We had planned it for months.) that it drove me to panics attacks.

I felt like the time with my kids had flown by and it was gone as if my younger ages of my kids were actually dead. I gutturally sobbed for weeks that I had already had my wedding day and all my babies. I didn’t know how to continue life anymore.

Now I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces again. It’s agonizing. I feel so much shame, then rage, then self compassion, then self hatred.

My only lifeline besides one of my best friends who has extreme trauma, is my two therapists. Consistent appointments with them has started to shift my thinking from self blame and feeling so isolated.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to comment on this.