Why do I always ruin everything?

I just want everything to end quickly, I can never be happy, I always ruin everything and everyone leaves, I would be dead if I wasn't afraid of cutting deep, please tell me how to end everything, I just want to rest I want everything to be like before, easy and beautiful, I hate myself, I deserve bad things to happen to me, today I will punish myself, maybe I won't die but I will try