My mental health has deteriorated so badly over the past few years and it’s not getting any better.

I’m 26 years old, and I’m going to die alone.

A few years ago I had a girlfriend I loved, and great job prospects. But all that went away suddenly and I haven’t recovered since. My girlfriend dumped me and job hunting is a constant stress in my life.

It’s been three years and I’m not over her at all, although she’s probably already forgotten about me.

I used to be healthy. I used to have a healthy view of the world, of relationships, towards others, but now I’m so bitter and sad and I hate being alive.

Since I got dumped, I’ve never gotten more than a first date. I’ve fucked up every first date I’ve ever had.

And I don’t have a lot of first dates anyway. I’m weird, ugly, awkward, and miserable. But even if I weren’t, I’m still short (5’8”). My height is probably my biggest obstacle to finding someone.

Nobody ever wants to set me up with anyone else (which sucks because that’s quite literally the only way to meet romantic partners anymore) and I do terrible on dating apps.

My family constantly asks me when I’m going to find someone and get married and I have to tell them the same thing. It’s not happening. Nobody wants to be with me and nobody will.

And so many people my age are getting married and having kids. I’m quite literally running out of time. There’s less and less single people in my age group, and before long I’ll just be stuck as single forever.

I don’t get better. Even when I feel like I’m getting better I slip back into the same habits, the same insecurities, everything.

And because I’m so miserable nobody gives a fuck about me. Anytime someone tries to help me they eventually get sick of me and give up. So you know what? Fuck it. Why not just give up on myself too? Why should I have to keep beating this dead horse?

It feels like nothing makes me happy anymore, and everything makes me sad. I see a group of friends in public? Sad. I see a happy couple? Sad. I hear about other people sharing good news? Sad. Nothing good ever happens to me and it’s made me so envious and bitter.

And I don’t know who to talk to about this. I’m too ashamed to even bring it up in therapy, and I’ve been at therapy for half a year now.

I’ve been depressed before but never this bad. I want to believe that one day I’ll meet someone who will be so thankful that I came into their life, but it just feels like everyone wants me out of their lives as quickly as possible.

I’m mourning the person I used to be. I’ve transformed for the worst and I can’t go back.