28M - To Anyone Else Wearing A Mask.

It’s a bizarre feeling, isn’t it? You wake up, a list of things to do, errands to run, bills to pay, expectations to meet, and perhaps family to take care of. And yet, one morning you wake up and realize no, this isn’t it. This isn’t the life you signed up for. Something deep in you knows you’re meant for something else. Not necessarily huge, grand, or larger than life, but not this.

You ignore it, because what else are you supposed to do? The culmination of your life circumstances and choices have landed you here, and what the hell would you even do if something else? You shake away the thought, and get going with your day. Maybe you’ve got a list of things to do before collapsing in the evening. Perhaps you’ve got a day of couch surfing to get through. But the feeling of life no longer fitting never fades, does it? Once that level of checking out kicks in, it hardly ever goes away.

You rebel a little here and there. Perhaps a spontaneous trip here, a secret fling there, but none of it really addresses the underlying lack of fit. At this point, the feeling of “this isn’t me” is louder than ever, and one fateful day, you find yourself being all consumed by it. Usually, this seems to be the point of real change, or the beginning of deep denial.

Hi, I’m Dennis. I’ve got quite the life story. I’m a 28 year old engineer who’s a runner, bit of a gym rat(see profile for physique), motorcycle rider, and baker.

Here’s a bit of my story.

I grew up heavily religious. By my late teens, I was heavily depressed and knew I didn’t fit in. Cue heavy drinking, binge eating, and hiding on the internet. By my early twenties, I was a mess. I decided to get my shit together, but given my level of denial and life experience, I pushed through whatever compass I may have had and just forced some sort of progress. Grinding up a career I didn’t want. Giving myself away in a relationship that wasn’t remotely healthy. People pleasing because how else do you fit in?

Mid twenties, it all fell apart, except the career. I pivoted hard. Became a bit of a hermit homebody. Therapy, heavy antidepressants, raising kittens, strict gym schedule, and rotting away on my couch in the evenings. It wasn’t all bad. I learned to become a killer cook, and the cats can be a lot of fun sometimes. Still, I woke up one morning knowing there was more to me than this.

Now I’m 28. Cue me moving to a new city. A random solo trip to London and Paris. Buying a motorcycle, crashing it, buying another. I’ve been socially experimenting left and right, desperate to find where I belong in this world. I haven’t found a fit yet, but I have to keep going. I’m no longer a homebody and refuse to run from the void of meaning, choosing to face it head on, usually while lifting weights or running a few miles.

It’s strange, though. While I no longer feel like I’m running from myself, I can’t seem to find myself either. Still trying to navigate that. Maybe I’ll drop it all and move halfway across the world. Who knows?

You’re still here. Why? What leads a person to read a random existential rant all the way to the end? What’s your life story? What are you running from? Most importantly, what’s the best flavor of ice cream???